We shall meet on that beautiful shore

 I don't deny that I'm your favourite. Have been and always will be:) 

We went through so much together. Tag-teaming so that you could catch a break. From catching nainai's poop with my hands and laughing about it, dealing with her insomnia and crazy mood swings, to being by her side when she passed on. We saw the paramedics, police and everyone come after she passed. I remember how worried I was when you did weird crap like taking photos of her in the coffin, and taking photos of us paying respects to her. I really didn't know how you would survive without her. 

We were room mates ever since, some nights I'll cover you with a blanket before I turn in. I'm glad we were roomies one last time the night before the cremation. 

Funny thing, the grief of losing has just only started sinking in. I thought I didn't miss you, partly because you the active, sociable, talkative man I knew was long gone before you passed. Maybe because I saw how much you were suffering before you left us, that you passing on was really the least evil of all options. 

It's been 5 weeks since you left, and the grief hits me most randomly. I couldn't join everyone at the dining table that day, it felt wrong, having dinner in your house, without you. Where was I supposed to sit when my place has always been beside you? It hit when I cooked in your kitchen, finished cooking in half an hour and thought to myself how proud you would have been of me. It hit when Aden asked if the food offerings on your table would taste horrible with joss sticks ashes on it. It hit when I explained to dad how to use a stainless steel wok and make it non stick because you might not have known the science behind it, but you knew what to do. Most that I know from the kitchen, I attribute it back to you. 

I don't feel sad seeing your medical equipment being given away, sure, it was weird but they were never part of you. Aden commented on how the house feels so quiet without the sound of your concentrator. I thought so to, but that was never the man I knew anyway. 

The man I knew was a jovial man who loved and lived for his wife, taichi, his friends and his family. He loved singing, writing down all his taichi steps, polishing his sword, compiling music for his taichi exercise and being the handyman at home. 

You always told me that as 夫妻, nobody should ever be more important. Because at the end of the day, kids will have their own family, and the one who's with you will be your spouse. If your spouse won't look after you, then who would? Even after nainai passed, you kept saying that you would be alone. I made a promise to nainai to look after you and make sure you were not alone. I'm glad to say that I did that to the most of my abilities. I hope that when you see her, you would tell her that I kept my promise to her. 

I will always remember all your wise words to me leading up to the day you passed. 

No matter what we say when we are angry, we are still family. The family cannot 散. We won't. You show how we had 中秋 together. 

That eventually, we will all meet together again one day. 

We cannot be angry with you when you pass, cannot cry. Must 哈哈哈. 

I can do whatever I deem is right. 

Thank you for showing me in all the little ways that you are now in a better place. The butterflies, two in fact, fluttering around. The moth that came when I stayed over, I wanted to wait for you to leave but figured you were waiting for me to sleep. 

Thank you for the epiphanies and trying to make things right within my family before you left. I don't know why you apologized to mum but maybe I know. It doesn't matter who's wrong, because at the end of the day, we are family. If apologizing and swallowing one's pride is what makes the family better, then go for it. 忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空. Because of what you said and done, 你帮我打开了很多心结. And I hope that with what you have taught me, I will eventually slowly get there with mum. 

Thank you for trusting me to make me an account holder. With great power comes great responsibility. I hope that you will be smiling from up there when I eventually know what to do with the money.  

I'm afraid I'll forget, all these small little things that made me feel so at peace when I should have been sobbing my heart out. People must be wondering how could I have kept my shit together, but I did, because I know there was no where more painful than where you were before you left us.

One day, when 七七 is over, I will make your signature 白斩鸡, and chop it the way you have taught me to. 

Really, because of you, my life has been so much more enriching and fulfilling. 

I will never forget how I asked you if I gain weight and you lied through your teeth and said no. How could it be a no, I was 10weeks pregnant with Adam and couldn't even fit in my shorts anymore 😂 When I told you I was pregnant with #2, you said 'mo ngak ngau', and then you said really ah. 

I will miss listening to all your canto pop oldies. 

I love you and miss you so so much. Thank you for all that you have ever done for me. 

白斩鸡 recipe 

1. Bring water to boil with ginger and salt. 

2. Add whole chicken in, rmb to tuck the legs in or it will 'keh hey leh' like what happened to yi bak gong😂 Bring pot of water and chicken to boil.

3. Off the fire and cover with lid for 40min? 

As you can see, I've forgotten. And I'm afraid that if I don't record all these, I will eventually forget. 

Love you, have a nice time with your lo po. And please, be there to welcome me when my time eventually comes. I miss you both so much. 

Pre-baby blues of a pregnant mama

I'm scared that the baby is going to take over my life. That I won't be able to juggle being a wife to you anymore be it physically or mentally. What if I become the party pooper? The one that spoils all the fun, the one that gets resentful when you enjoy your hobbies because I'll be stuck with the kid? What if I become the bore and you would rather spend time with some other girls who are into your hobbies. Even if you don't do it, the idea of it kills me to know that you would rather be with or talk to someone else.

I'm scared of losing myself. Losing opportunities that are dear to me. Losing my identity, losing the opportunity to do fieldwork that I enjoy doing so much. My projects are finally coming along with the otters and dragonflies. I don't want to be an empty shell that does nothing besides looking after the baby.

I'm scared of giving birth in this foreign country where I cannot get to hospitals on my own, where I cannot drive if I need to. Where doctors are sometimes unfriendly and insist on certain issues that I might not want. I don't know anything about going into labour, what to look out for, the pain relief that I might have to choose from. When will I know when to go to the hospital? Will I make it there in time? What if you are flying?
Delivery dates are not a fixed date like what you think. I need you to understand what's going on more so that when the time comes, we'll be prepared as a team. I won't mind going for birthing classes but given your job and how we are apart most of the time, attending them with you seems to be a luxury that won't happen. Which is why I need you to read up and understand what's going to happen.

Sometimes it feels like I'm doing this 90% on my own. I read up, watch videos, feed you with information. You aren't physically there to witness what I'm experiencing be it the nausea or the kicks in my tummy. And when I tell you about them, you are interested for 5 seconds before we move on to aviation or badminton or something that you like. I know deep down that you will eventually rise to the occasion (like how you always do) but it scares me. What if it never happen and I have to wing this all on my own?

It annoys me immensely when my parents ask about my future plans. Because I don't have any. Will I go back to work? Who's going to look after the kid? Will I live apart from you if I go back to work? Can I handle single parenting when you are living in another country?

If I quit and move over, will I be OK bringing up the baby here? What about my family and friends back home? How will we squeeze out couple time if there isn't anyone to help with the kid? What if you go for layovers? It can get horribly lonely when there isn't anyone to talk to when you are away. Sometimes I count down to the hours before I see you again. Will baby drive me crazy?

See. These are all the fears that I have. It's no wonder that ever night is filled with some weird dream of being attacked or losing you or losing myself or something disturbing.  Sometimes you dismiss my fears when I bring it up. It's true, nothing much can be done about them. Alot of them are insecurities that will only be cleared up with time. What do I expect from you? Tbh I don't know. Just to listen and not judge maybe. But even I'm judging them for how silly they sound. Pretty sure they are legit but there's nothing I can do about it now except worry.

Life's little triumphs

The car window was jammed today and was couldn't be wound up.
A situation that could have ended horribly with $400 lost to a car workshop didn't because I solved it with Google, a friend's help, a text to le husband and some luck.

It gave me utmost satisfaction to have solved it without Tee because it shows that I can function without a handyman.

Thankful for the heartfelt and truthful conversation I had with Justin today, thankful that I had someone to turn to for help.

Thankful for the little reminder that when things screw up, relax and maybe you willrealise that there's a way out.

Thankful that the husband realises that it's not possible for us to be apart if we have kids and is on the same page as me.

Maybe prayers really do help.

I just want you to give me a target to work towards to, it doesn't have to be now, it's fine to do it after your exams. 

Tell me what is the minimum you require. That's all. I want to plan a budget and see how workable is it. What do you need? A lunch reception? A dinner? I'm not asking you to make it work. I just want you to tell me so that I can see how and when it's gonna work. 

You say one thing but mean another. I want your extended family to come as well. But you told me it's ok if they don't. So I assumed what you said it's true. How am I supposed to know that that's not the case? 

You keep saying that it won't work out when you don't even tell me what you have in mind. If it can't work out, it can't. There. So be it. But instead of you keep on repeating like a broken recorder about how you don't want to think about it because it won't work out, tell me what you want and I WILL WORK IT OUT. If we don't have a target to work to, how will I know how to work towards it? 

Why can't you see something so simple? I'm not torturing you before your exams, I just want to know that you are committed to giving it proper thought after your exams. This relationship isn't just about you, I have things that I want too and you know that since the beginning, it was my dream to get married early. It hurts me a lot that you think I'm being selfish and causing you stress. Is it so difficult to think about what you are expecting so that I can work towards it? I'm not even asking you to make it work out. 

It's not about me wanting it because others have it. This was my dream, right from the start, right before anyone got married. 

What hurts me a lot is that you were intending to just let it pass. I was looking forward to when you come back and when we can start making things work (if we can, I can't even tell if we can now because you are being a dick head about not wanting to think about what you want) but your intention was to just drag it as long as you can and just allow it to not happen. I was pretty sure we were going to make it happen but you seem to have other plans.

Is it that difficult to tell me what it is you want/require in our wedding after your exams so that I can plan it out?

What exactly is it that is bugging you? 

I'm sick of doing this over and over again, and quarelling about it over and over again. But as long as you are not truthful about what you want and what you are thinking, this will never ever work out. 

I want to get married so badly because I want to be with you. I want to be there with you every night at the end of a long day, talk to you and unwind. What's the point of getting married only to have to be apart from you again? I'm making the ultimate sacrifice of moving eventually, is it that hard for you to think about what you want for the wedding in return?

You're not the only one who's tired of this. I am too. I'm not the broken recorder here. You are. Because as long as there isn't a plan, nothing is going to work out because there isn't even anything to work for. 

Relationships are about compromises. Why does everything have to go your way, why does it all have to anchor around what you want? I'm not asking for a solution. I'm thinking of the solution, you just fucking tell me what you want. 

It's been a long and difficult week, glad it's over. New week is starting and with that comes the end of WSQ and life back at Ubin. 

I'm still thankful, esp for the fact that grandma took a better turn. I don't know if that's good or bad. What side effects will tube feeding and drawing phlegm have on her? How will yeye cope with the new routines? Is she suffering? 

But now I know that there's no point worrying, leave everything to god and I'll just do my best. 

Still hoping to hear good news from tee this week. Even if there isn't, we'll come up with something. Fingers crossed. 

Decluttering

For you
That you will achieve your dream and be happy in whatever you do. Please recover soon too:/

For the grandparents
That grandma leaves peacefully without having to go endure whatever 'advancements' medicine has to offer to mankind.

That grandpa finds the strength to continue looking after her and that he finds calmness at the end of the day.

For the dad
That he receives the support and wisdom he needs to make some of the hardest decisions in life.

For me
That I will trust and provide him with the support he needs in life.
That I will have the patience and energy to take care of them and support my dad.

I need to make things right, this is what I was meant to do.

Wanting something so bad that it hurts. 

There's this need to just be honest and spill everything. 

Is it really always me who's being demanding and unreasonable? I find it so hard to comprehend at times.