things have changed so much.
i have to admit it.it scares me.god is now a part of you.you are no longer the guy who doesnt care abt church anymore.its no longer becuz of anyone tt u are going back to church.and lets admit it.im scared.im very very scared.

im scared tt i will lose the young boy tt i fell for.im scared tt u will turn into someone scary who thinks tt saving me is everything.scared tt u will turn into someone whom i will detest.i tried to go to church.really tried.anfd it felt weird.wrong even.like im going there for the wrong reason.not so because i believe but i want to try so tt i will be part of your world.and lets admit it,i feel tt i will nv belong there.i lost the faith.i used to hv it im sure,even though i make poke fun at religion,i pray when im scared.in sajc chapel,when i prayed,i really hope tt someone would answer my prayers.i felt calm n serene.but i hv lost tt feeling.when i pray now,i just feel my heart beating faster n faster.

it hurts to know tt you might hv been loved for a different reason.it makes me scared again.why are we back?to make up for past wrongs?

i feel tt i dont belong in this world anymore.my family doesnt need me anymore.maybe daddy does.ye ye n nainai do.things at sb n chiltern are no longer the way it used to be.everyone only bothers about mj,com.the sense of belonging is lost.i dont belong in his world either.i only belong there when we are alone together,and nt doing long term thinking.im afraid of spending my life with you.why has this world became such a lonely plc.

nt for the first time,i wonder why i wasnt born into a christian family.tt would hv made things so much easier.im trying to live with what i hv now.but its not easy.its nt going to make sense to ask anyone to choose.its nt even fair.i hv 2 choices.try to accept life the way as it is or end everything.

sometimes i wish i nv fell for you,i wish tt it was someone else tt i fell for.someone tt my parents approved of.someone tt had a commonn group of friends with me.someone whom religoin is smth tt doesnt matter to them,the way it doesnt to me.if only we didnt get back together.it was against anyone's judgement to do so?the only reason it hurts so badly is because the bond between us is so strong.maybe its true,i hv been searching unconcioulsy.what for,i dont even know.

i'll try.really hard.its just tt i dont know how long i can hold out.n what happens once i lose the energy?i need an answer and maybe the answer is not what i want it to be.