its nt the end,but a new beginning

im the ultimate family girl.
19,going on 20 and i rather spend festive seasons with my family than with friends.boyfriend included:)i hope boyfriend can join us one day.
playing the piano and singing along,stuffing ourselves silly,playing stupid games,playing sparklers.i think these are things that i want to hold to every year,things that i will treasure.

so once again,its new year's eve and when everyone is out celebrating with friends and family,im at chiltern,waiting for the countdown.i think i have alot to be grateful and thankful for this year.

nainai got better.it was horrible at the beginning when she cried,scream and shouted in the night.and when yeye was so drain everyday.the listless eyes and the helplessness tt he feels.at least whatever was haunting her,be it memories of her mum or the fear of yeye leaving her is no longer there.i see her smile more now than i ever had.to the person up there,thanks for giving me the chance to spend another tangyuan festival with her.giving yeye hope that nainai becomes better.

my daddy:)
he's been wonderful,there were times where he screwed up but i can tell its because he is tired n exhausted.thanks for being there for me when i was down and needed the support tt i coudnt get frm anybody else.

boyfriend.
even though our ups are super ups and our downs are super down,this has been an eventful year with you.when nainai went into hospital,when i needed a break frm all the shit,he was always there for me.when i was struggling with exams,his calls n msgs cheered me up,encouraged me.insecurities might hv plagued our relationship this year but in someway or other,i think we have grown closer.the insecurities are still there but hey,i love you.thanks for trusting me with ur blog though im not visiting it.thanks for giving me the chance to be who i am when i have to put on so many different masks infrt of so many people.thanks for letting me cry when i am with u for no particular reason.and for letting me yell and throw my temper at u whenever im feeling down.

friends,especially dawn lim jia en:)
thanks for being there for me everytime i was down.there to listen to my insecurities,telling me things tt i nt necessarily like to hear but did me good.for showing me the different points of view that ppl look at things.may our friendship continue to blossom:)

B2 weirdos and hall friends
hall was fun with all of you.thanks for making it easier for me to ease into uni life.thanks for all the gossips,the stupid jokes,the inside jokes,the eyecandying,the teasing,the complaining.late night gossips,late night suppers,birthday celebrations.i love all of you*hugs*

yups.so much to be thankful for.i shall stop complaining about life.

so resolutions for next year.i wonder why ppl make resolutions when they are seldoms acheived.but still,i will try.

YOU
we have so much to do.so much to learn frm each other and so much to adapt to.thanks for being in my life.i dont want to be the jealous beech tt i am anymore,dont want to make life difficult for him anymore.either you learn to love him for who he is or let him go.but if you were to let him go,let him go nicely,even if it might hurt you.dont make the same mistake twice.dont make his mistake again.if you are going to love him.love him for who he is,religon and whole.at the end of nxt year,i hope tt i can come to a decisive conclusion.i want to keep to the promise that we made to each other,not even on special occasions should it be broken.i want to try to get my mum to accept you,i want you to be able to come for dinner with us soon.god knows where to start though.learn to control ur temper,dont let it out all on tt poor boy.
im
family
i wanna be nicer to mum.understand where she is coming from.but deep down,i hope tt she will learn to accept me for who i am too.

studies
AHHH.nomore lala land.study hard.u are so god damn lucky tt ur CAP is a 3.5.push yourself to study.dont forget who u are in the midst of the busy place tt you are living in.

i dunno what else to challenge myself to.maybe by having so little resolutions,u can say tt more or less,i have no regrets in life.

let 2011 come and may it be an enjoyable year where i enter the 20s.let me grow to be more matured,learn to control my temper,focus on the things tt i want in life.i hope i can find my direction in life at the end of the year.
HAPPY NEW YEAR:)

i love my grandmama.
im so tired now.but i love her so much.i dont ever wanna lose all my memories with her.how i wish i could just record every moment and re watch them again and again and again.
i never wanna lose her:)

dementia doesnt change who they are inside:)

things have changed so much.
i have to admit it.it scares me.god is now a part of you.you are no longer the guy who doesnt care abt church anymore.its no longer becuz of anyone tt u are going back to church.and lets admit it.im scared.im very very scared.

im scared tt i will lose the young boy tt i fell for.im scared tt u will turn into someone scary who thinks tt saving me is everything.scared tt u will turn into someone whom i will detest.i tried to go to church.really tried.anfd it felt weird.wrong even.like im going there for the wrong reason.not so because i believe but i want to try so tt i will be part of your world.and lets admit it,i feel tt i will nv belong there.i lost the faith.i used to hv it im sure,even though i make poke fun at religion,i pray when im scared.in sajc chapel,when i prayed,i really hope tt someone would answer my prayers.i felt calm n serene.but i hv lost tt feeling.when i pray now,i just feel my heart beating faster n faster.

it hurts to know tt you might hv been loved for a different reason.it makes me scared again.why are we back?to make up for past wrongs?

i feel tt i dont belong in this world anymore.my family doesnt need me anymore.maybe daddy does.ye ye n nainai do.things at sb n chiltern are no longer the way it used to be.everyone only bothers about mj,com.the sense of belonging is lost.i dont belong in his world either.i only belong there when we are alone together,and nt doing long term thinking.im afraid of spending my life with you.why has this world became such a lonely plc.

nt for the first time,i wonder why i wasnt born into a christian family.tt would hv made things so much easier.im trying to live with what i hv now.but its not easy.its nt going to make sense to ask anyone to choose.its nt even fair.i hv 2 choices.try to accept life the way as it is or end everything.

sometimes i wish i nv fell for you,i wish tt it was someone else tt i fell for.someone tt my parents approved of.someone tt had a commonn group of friends with me.someone whom religoin is smth tt doesnt matter to them,the way it doesnt to me.if only we didnt get back together.it was against anyone's judgement to do so?the only reason it hurts so badly is because the bond between us is so strong.maybe its true,i hv been searching unconcioulsy.what for,i dont even know.

i'll try.really hard.its just tt i dont know how long i can hold out.n what happens once i lose the energy?i need an answer and maybe the answer is not what i want it to be.

yay

semester results are out:)
3.5. its nt fantastic but its gd enough for me given tt i came out of chem almost in tears,came out of 1104 swearing and came out of 1507 immune.
so YAY:)

im going to thailand at 7am tmr,means we need to be at airport at 5am.plus i hv nt started packing yet.

i heard the asshole taking money frm the grandparent's piggybank again.seriously,why doesnt he has a conscience?who were the ones who cooked for him,looked after him?
i really try but cant see the good side of him at all.which bastard will steal frm his granparents?plus one granparent has dementia.i thought he changed for the better when he bought so many souveniors for them.maybe once you reach a certain age,getting caught for smth tt u do is no longer scary.its the moral compass in you that will lead the way.

i dont know how well my moral compass is working.i know i committed several mistakes myself and might be even repeating some of them.but my mistakes dont involve anyone else.i dont go taking things from other people.i dont know if i should tell dad.he has enough on his mind and i dont think he can do anything to stop him.im afraid that he might continue stealing when we are in thailand.

i love wolves.

Sungei Buloh trip

i think i found my uroups projet.i really want to go around looking for poop.it will definietly be enjoyable.sungei buloh is suh a nice n peaceful place.any plc with nature is.i want to live my life in that kind of place forever.we saw monitor lizards,snakes,snails,otters,birds,crabs.
what i enjoyed most is the guided tour by marcus.plus knowing that one day,i will be like my seniors who will know all the life forms and functions.

merry christmas

i want a white xmas this year.like when we went UK.where everything was peaceful,quiet.even though it was one of the most trying times of my life,i enjoyed it.i felt carefree.maybe because i felt so nice, i look so pretty in all my photos:)

to you:
thanks for being by me during that trying time of my life.you probably didnt even know what i was going through at that time but hey, you were such a great comfort to me.all the talks and quiet times that we had.thanks friend.i will always remember that period of time that we share together.

its time to move on.u asked the questions that you needed to know today.move on girl,love the guy in your life now with all your heart.even though you may not agree or understand certain things that he do,try your best to do so.remember,learn from the negative examples that are around you.

i thought i was over it.until i asked u abt it again today.it felt weird.my heart was beating so fast,the way it was when i last asked u abt it.but i guess at least i can talk about it now.do you know,i didnt dare to start a facebook account cuz i was afraid that i would see pictures of the both of you together?

at least i've grown.i hope i have.i cant believe that it only happened 2 years ago.it seems such a long long time.

my heart still beats funny when i think about it.i hope the day would come where i will be able to laugh it off as a silly mistake you made.i still feel insecure occasionally.
but i cant help but feel that u owe me after what u did.sometimes,a small part of me feels like hurting you back by doing the same things with another guy.

its sick but i cant help it

im sorry if i poked around abit too much today.i realised that it wasnt completely about me n you.part of it is about you and her too.
im sorry.

loving you can sometimes be so hard.

its the holidays:)

exams are over.its the end of my first sem in uni.there's been ups and downs as usual.

UPS
1.west coast mcd with AB
2.doortags
3.gossiping with my b2 weirdos
4.birthday sabos
5.block suppers
6.changi practicals

i guess there are many others but i just cant remeber them off hand.but i need to give credit to the boyfriend.

DOWNS
1.the first day in hall when it was raining and i had no umbrella,no towel
2.getting ready for 1401
3.the day where i had to be in 3 places at once.

i think i needa get off.dad needs the com.and,I CANT WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS