Spread your wings and fly

You have grown up, its time to spread your wings.
Spread your wings and get ready to fly.
Now the question left is, fly where?

Everyone's moving on in life. Everyone that I love and care about seems to have moved on to a new phase in life. Not that its bad. But I can't help feeling lonely.
Being alone has suddenly become very scary to me.

There were several reasons why I didn't apply for SEP. I am gonna miss home. And there is tee. Who's going to help out at home when I am gone? Grandpa will feel so lonely. And there is the cash thing too. Yes, being alone here makes me feel lonely, it makes me wonder if I will ever have that expereience of living alone in a foreign country and it makes me wonder if I have lost an experience that I might never get back. Maybe I just refuse to step out of my comfort zone.

Boyfriend says that I don't chase my dreams hard enough and that I give up too easily. Let how I let the vet dream go, how I let our relationship go. That really got me thinking, I don't like being labelled as the weak-one-who-can't-take-hardships.

Do I really give up to easily? But looking back, I don't think I regret not going to do my vet studies. What would have I lost if I had went? I would have lost tee, that I am quite sure. I would have lost the opportunity to take care of grandma and to get to know my grandparents closer. Maybe it seems silly to you, maybe you think that these are excuses, but I think its enough for me.
I might regret never becoming a vet but I will never give up what I gained over these few years.

Being a vet, the dream seems so long ago. I still fantasy about how tee and I will have our own vet clinic. How we will take turn feeding and administering medication to the sick and young animals in the middle of the night. But its only just a dream now. 

Am I happy with what I am doing? Yes. I enjoy being in the mangroves as tiring as it might be. I enjoy observing the biodiversity in Singapore, I enjoy dishing out info to people and pointing things out to them.

Where am I going to go from here? I honestly have no idea. I might graduated ina year or two (no pun intended). And what's gonna happen after that? Will I be married? To who? Will I get a job here? Will I end up moving with tee? What about my family?

Its scary to be 21 and be without an aim. My only aim is to have a happy family that I can call my own. Maybe that's why I don't know what to do with the other parts of my life. Put all logic/reasoning/thinking/fears/doubts aside, I want to marry tee and have a happy family. Get a dog, do something related to animals, cook for him everyday, snuggle and cuddle in bed and live my dream happy couple life. Sounds pathethic does it? The dream of a woman in the past, no career ambition. But I think that is what I want. Of course, once you include all the logic/fears/doubts, I get really scared.
Scared that I am giving up everything for the wrong guy, scared that once this relationship falls apart, I will have nothing. Scared that I will be alone in a foreign country without anyone but him. Irrational fears? Unfounded fears? I don't know. How do you when its the correct time to get married? How do you know if its the correct guy?

21 and still in a mess.