I can't think, I can't function. Why must you MF me.

It sucks that I can't be honest with you anymore. I can't be me, can't be myself.

I need to censor what I say, I need to be around people all the time

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Touch rug is over.
No tries scored, no matches won.
Depressing? Kind of.
But I still stand by what I say, there are somethings that can never been taken away from us no matter what happens. And the journey with the girls was a wonderful one. We grew together as a team, learn together, made mistakes together, laughed together. The memories that I have will always be etched in my head.

How we played our first friendly against EH and how I cramped up.
The shit that we stir, the tough times in camp, the honesty between us all.
I don't easily feel comfortable with people but this is one of the groups that I really enjoy.
I am very grateful for the team. Not many teams will listen to such an inexperienced captain and learn together with me. We have come a long way and I am really proud of each and everyone of you:)

Training with Raihan has also taught me alot. How I feel about Raihan cannot be put into words. Its this immense sense of gratitude and appreciation that I really want to show/tell him but it just can't come out. The only reason why I felt horrible after Shears was because I felt that I let Raihan down. Ok, I was disappointed with myself too. Because of him, touch has become an even more important part in my life. It is him who made me see how intelligent the whole game can be and make me love the sport even more. I hope he felt my sincerity the way I felt his. And I hope he enjoyed coaching us as much as I did enjoy coaching by him.

1 more week to CNY.
Tee is still in Australia. I'm not sure what I want in life anymore. Talking to Linhui helped but I still feel lost. What if me and him can never reach a compromise? I don't think its fair that I should have to leave everything that I have behind just so he can go pursue his dream. Neither do I feel that he should let go of his so that I can have what I want. It scares me that what we want is so different. Its just weird. I don't want him to fail anymore because I finally understand how much this means to him. q0 years is way too long. Sometimes I wish that I am still single, that I fell for someone whose ideas are more in line with me.
I hope he comes back soon, at least I hope the remaining 4 weeks pass quickly. Maybe seeing him will make me feel better.

Sometimes I can't help but wish that I sincerely believe that god has everything nicely planned out for me.
Nothing much I can do right now. I miss touch, I miss the girls. Time to study before I lag behind again.

The world is kinda depressing huh.

And I am tired of hearing about touch.

I am desperately holding on to alot of things in my life. And these things are not things that I should be holding on to.

I suddenly feel very alone even though I am surrounded by people.

I shouldn't be feeling lonely because cassie and jiehong are going out.
Shouldn't be feeling alone that Max and zhiyi are so close.

Shouldn't be feeling lonely because linhui has his eye set on a girl, shouldn't be feeling lost because he will be leaving soon, shouldn't be missing him already, shouldn't be spending every single minute I can with him while he is still around.

Shouldn't be feeling lost that a girl likes Johan.
Shouldn't be feeling so broken when I saw how the guys train and got punished.
Shouldn't be wanting to win touch rug so badly to the extent that I broke down. 

I don't miss you as much as I thought I would. I can't decide if its good or bad. I miss not being able to smell you and to be able to hold you whenever I want to. Miss not being able to lie on your shoulder. Miss not being able to contact you as and when I want to. Miss being silent on the phone with you. Maybe I miss you more than I think I do. I really want you to be here to pat my head now and tell me that it will be ok. Really want to be right beside you now.

Ok, I change my mind, I miss you. Miss you more than you and I know.
I just don't really want to miss you and let you know how much I miss you.
What if I need to spend the rest of my life like that? What if your life feels complete without me? That's how I feel now. I don't want you to fail. You sound so happy there. But I don't see how my life fits into yours.  

That's enough for tonight. Hormonal imbalance is screwing me up. Just want your warm body by my side tonight and forever.

My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you’re relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it was not hurting you doesn’t mean you did not notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore, move on and let go.