I'm really hurting. How? I dont want to be unhappy in the future when I'm with you. I don't want my kid to cry the way I did when dad went for reservice. I don't want to be like my mum who would break down when dad wasn't around. Even if it's just for one month.

The longer you are gone, the more I feel the pain. The more I know I don't want you to be away from me. I keep hoping that you never want to be a pilot. But that's not you anymore. It's like hoping that my boyfriend is someone else.

I wonder if we will be happier if we are apart. Then I won't have to worry about this things and you can pursue whatever you want without taking into account what I want.

But the more I write about this, the more I realise that even then, we wont be happy. I want to believe that our future is planned out nicely infront of us and that we will be very happy together. But i can't. I lack that faith that you have.

Maybe it's very selfish. To want to break up now just because I don't like the idea of our future. I don't want to go through all the missing you now only to have to end it when the time comes. And by then, we won't be young anymore. I will probably be lonely for the rest of my life.

I need to believe that we will be happy together. I need to trust you and myself. Why is it getting so hard to do? Talking about it won't solve the problem either. So it was probably wise of you to just go and sleep. I hope you are really sleeping, I don't want to add to your stress. But at the same time, I hope that you are awake. Then maybe something good will come out.