Pre-baby blues of a pregnant mama

I'm scared that the baby is going to take over my life. That I won't be able to juggle being a wife to you anymore be it physically or mentally. What if I become the party pooper? The one that spoils all the fun, the one that gets resentful when you enjoy your hobbies because I'll be stuck with the kid? What if I become the bore and you would rather spend time with some other girls who are into your hobbies. Even if you don't do it, the idea of it kills me to know that you would rather be with or talk to someone else.

I'm scared of losing myself. Losing opportunities that are dear to me. Losing my identity, losing the opportunity to do fieldwork that I enjoy doing so much. My projects are finally coming along with the otters and dragonflies. I don't want to be an empty shell that does nothing besides looking after the baby.

I'm scared of giving birth in this foreign country where I cannot get to hospitals on my own, where I cannot drive if I need to. Where doctors are sometimes unfriendly and insist on certain issues that I might not want. I don't know anything about going into labour, what to look out for, the pain relief that I might have to choose from. When will I know when to go to the hospital? Will I make it there in time? What if you are flying?
Delivery dates are not a fixed date like what you think. I need you to understand what's going on more so that when the time comes, we'll be prepared as a team. I won't mind going for birthing classes but given your job and how we are apart most of the time, attending them with you seems to be a luxury that won't happen. Which is why I need you to read up and understand what's going to happen.

Sometimes it feels like I'm doing this 90% on my own. I read up, watch videos, feed you with information. You aren't physically there to witness what I'm experiencing be it the nausea or the kicks in my tummy. And when I tell you about them, you are interested for 5 seconds before we move on to aviation or badminton or something that you like. I know deep down that you will eventually rise to the occasion (like how you always do) but it scares me. What if it never happen and I have to wing this all on my own?

It annoys me immensely when my parents ask about my future plans. Because I don't have any. Will I go back to work? Who's going to look after the kid? Will I live apart from you if I go back to work? Can I handle single parenting when you are living in another country?

If I quit and move over, will I be OK bringing up the baby here? What about my family and friends back home? How will we squeeze out couple time if there isn't anyone to help with the kid? What if you go for layovers? It can get horribly lonely when there isn't anyone to talk to when you are away. Sometimes I count down to the hours before I see you again. Will baby drive me crazy?

See. These are all the fears that I have. It's no wonder that ever night is filled with some weird dream of being attacked or losing you or losing myself or something disturbing.  Sometimes you dismiss my fears when I bring it up. It's true, nothing much can be done about them. Alot of them are insecurities that will only be cleared up with time. What do I expect from you? Tbh I don't know. Just to listen and not judge maybe. But even I'm judging them for how silly they sound. Pretty sure they are legit but there's nothing I can do about it now except worry.