Boyfriend is back:) and he is no longer boyfriend, he's someone more special now. 

I'm tired. Been spending so much time with bf tt I appreciate being home in my bed alone now. And civet dissection tmr!

My eyes are like -.- now. 

Shitloads of work to do. 

Boy am I glad I reread my intro today. It's so below standard and there so much cooler stuff that I could have included. And reading makes me realised that I have a lot more to read up/write on. 

No more shows. It's kinda fun having to read and producing your own paper though. Sense of achievement there. 

In other news, my hands are badly scratched from digging in the mud:( I can't bend my pointer (haha. Like kid language) without feeling pain and I can't wash my face/hair without the stinging feeling on my fingies:(

It's a reminder to be nice to the people that I have been taking for granted. And that there is much more in life than what I have been obsessing with over the past week. 

It's funny. I thought I would be happy with just a honours degree. But now a hons degree alone isn't enough. I kinda want to end the 27384817 years of education with As. To end it off with a bang and prove to myself that I can do it. And I don't think I have been studying as hard this sem and this makes me angsty when exams approach. I shall not repeat this mistake next sem. 

I will put in 100% for EVERYTHING. Not just for fyp or my studies. Everything. 

Guess it's also a reminder that I shouldn't be so scared of this or that happening. Things happen and there's no warning for such things. I should go do whatever I want to and not have regrets. 

To-dos:

1. Lit paper for NSS

2. Catch Siva and ask about hsc in US and confirm methods

3. FYP practical and readings

4. Settle FYP new stuff: morph and lab

5. Discuss trip with Dawn and co. 

And meet ups. And help out more at home. 

Let's just go face the exams with confidence:)

Started feeling slightly more confident about exams last night all of a sudden. Kinda freaked out when I took out my year 3 notes and realised that this sem is pretty understudied. But oh well. This surge of confidence feels nice. Haha. Can't wait for Friday, everything will be over. Then after that it's just one more sem to go. 

Btw. I'm still lazing in bed. 

Reading week has always been crap. 

This year is especially worse because no more hall, no more friends to mug hardcore with and no bf to keep me sane (by bringing me out and letting me throw temper at him). I'm trying really hard not to be edgy. 

Pms (I suspect tmr), a failed day spent on spp page and not having any significant change made me pretty angst and tired. Haven't felt this shag since a long time. This is one of the times where I wished I had alone time in hall and where I can cry without having any reason to, it's therapeutic ok. 

Seriously, shag balls. Stupid species page and format. Part of me wants to go back and make it perfect but I don't think I should. It's really wasting time when no major change has been done. 

I feel bad for snapping at people. This always always happens. I never learn do I. Especially when it's mum and dad. Always trying their best to make everything good for me and I have to be unappreciative. I'll apologize tmr. You suck sometimes. 

Awesome night out with the bros. Weird in their own ways but such nice and sweet people. Felt good reminiscing the silly things we did in hall. All the seemingly trival things that are still etched into our memory. 

And there's always Eddie to make things more interesting. Like how we trespassed into a condo so he could throw his phone into the pool. Haha. This is the awesome thing about hanging out with guys. You come up with a stupid idea, they go along with it. But when it's dangerous, they stop you from doing it. So fun hanging out with them. 

Hall is still a big part of my life and always will be. 

Fucking tired. 

Not a good day. Forceps was missing. Blogpost didn't publish on fyp blog and no drafts were saved. I spent about an hour on that post. 

Angsty like shit.  

Slightly disturbing that tee was so drunk today. Well, at least he had the sense to do it in camp and not outside. It seems hypocritical for me to be annoyed when I drink too. But the difference is I don't drink till I'm that drunk. I know when to stop. I think he does too but I can't help but feel annoyed and worried especially after the Thu case.

Well it's just harmless fun once in awhile right? Like how I drink with Dawn and co. 

I'm just worried because I'm his gf and it's kind of my job to worry for him. I can't expect him to live life the way I want him to. 

I'm not going to stop being annoyed but we'll grow. Like we always do. So either he stops this drinking till super drunk thing or I'll just continue being annoyed everytime he does it. No biggie.

Oh. I want abs. So I'm gonna train for it. Heh. 

I guess at the end of the day, what you are left with is mostly yourself. Just yourself and what matters most to you. 

If two people don't take the effort to keep in touch, then that's just it. 

Sometimes it's the people who are the closest to you that make you feel down. But then again, maybe it's because you expect so much more from them. 

9am tmr, sleep now or regret. Actually even if I sleep now, I'm already gonna regret. Oh wells. YOLO. 

How can some people be so unfeeling? 

I don't choose to be like that, I just simply can't be unfeeling. It's not in me to not care or to do what I want to without taking other people into consideration, especially so for the people that I love. 

I don't have to be like that but I'm just like that. I could have gone back to school, gone out for supper. But I chose not to do both. And I'm gonna have to rush back tomorrow after the dumb race. Seriously, I better be able to run with Bryan or I'm gonna get damn pissed. 

It's just me I guess, I can't don't care. 

I've finally started studying for me modules. I think the CA started me off. And guess what, taxo isn't as scary as I thought it would be. I can remember most stuff that Meier explained, should take part in the fb page should, it's a good 20% of the mod. 

Fyp is worrying as usual. But what's new. Sorting is stressful. I don't know if I missed stuff out. So I'll obsessively go through it over and over again. And there is human biasness, if the sample has a lot of insects, I tend to be less careful when I enumerate them. 

And my friends are great and funny. I have been meeting Dawn every other day. To run, to study or just because we need something to do. Nice to know that I'm not feeling lost alone. But I think we egg each other on, it's ok though, it's fun. Haha. With all the gossip and whatnot and the hthts.

Then there's the meet up with John at black ball. But John is gonna be John. I'll appreciate him for who he is though. There's mamammmmmm too. Hehe. She is actually pretty wise. And it's nice to have someone to calm me down and stop me from being irrational. 

And I have become more religious? Maybe it's because I was feeling super sian. I flipped thorough the bible that day and it seemed to make me feel better. But I guess there are a lot of things that I should be thankful for and I was reminded of that and of how tee is actually a wonderful guy. 

So anyway tee might not be back for the Dec hols:( Me is sad and disappointed. I was kinda looking forward to Christmas and new year with him. And Dawn is gonna go off too. So I'll be pretty bored:/ 4K is really a lot though. I want him back for the festive season but 4k is really too much. I'll leave the decision to him. Shan't ask him anymore because it makes the both of us sian. Oh wells. I hope hope hope that there will come a time where we won't have to think bout such things because we will more or less be together. We haven't spent Xmas or vday or my birthday together for quite a number of years already. Suprisingly, I have never missed his bd yet. Haha. Fate. It's not like we have huge celebrations, we don't even celebrate sometimes. Lol. But it's just nice having him around. 

My cough is killing me. Waiting to recover before I can go run again. I put on close to 3kg anyway. Time to stop the suppers. Haha 

Last day. Gonna snap out if it after today. And guess what, I feel better already. 

I really really really really hate my period. It makes me become this emotionally unstable and cranky person and I'm tired and always unhappy. 

IT SUCKS.

It's been a crazy week. Field work, sorting, lessons, assignments. 

Talked to people who made me feel better. Dawn, meila, the person up there. 

Hoping that I'll be able to remain focus and keep up with school work and increase efficiency for my fyp. That the shutdown will end so tee can carry on with his training and graduated ASAP. 

Glad for the people around me who care and love me so much:)

Here's to a more efficient and motivated week. 

12 hours in school for 2 days are no joke. I don't think I'm capable of doing field work tmr at 6am so I'm giving it a miss. 

Shall go on Sunday instead. I'll have some explaining to do but oh wells. I swear I'll be productive tmr. Finish my assignment. I guess grandparents played a part too. It be too troublesome for me to go, come home and go again. 

He's afraid of growing up. I understand his fears, surprised me again though, even after 8 years. Still not used to the fact tt he actually ponders quite a lot. Haha. My silly boy pondering:) 

What if he doesn't want to because he's afraid of all the things tt will tie us down? What if he changes his mind? I kinda don't want to wait anymore but he hasn't said anything. I am under the impression that he is not keen though. Maybe he doesn't want to have so much commitments. I'm pretty simple and I don't need much. Guess he knows. 

And that song has been playing in my head. 

Wake me up, when September ends.

Loads to be grateful for.

The very sweet and awesome bf who messages me whenever he is free now after I confessed that I'm feeling pretty down recently.

The awesome bros who had supper with me and the fun we had disturbing Linhui.

A sweaty, muddy, adrenalin pumped touch rug session that made my muscles sore. 

Identifying the cute blobs, they are Ostracods!

Awesome seniors who check on me make sure I'm on par with my fyp. And the mind blowing advice which they have to offer. 

A cute grandpa that can't fall asleep because he is hungry. Fasting for medical checkup tmr.

Daddy, mummy and grandpa who were so worried when I drove back and reached home late today.

The awesome reminiscing talk I had with Dawn and the silly photos we took in the past. 

Wake me up, when September ends:)

Give thanks, and maybe cookies if I have the time to bake tmr. 

Wanderlust

I'm experiencing this wanderlust that I never knew existed in me. I want to go out and see the world. Pretty much like how boyfriend is doing now. To be able to fly for one airport to another, travel to different states and cities over 3 day breaks. 

I'm jealous. Jealous that I'm stuck here while he is out there seeing the rest if the world and experiencing things that I haven't had the chance to. I want to be there with him and explore the world together. Don't want to be the noob or country bumpkin that knows nothing but Singapore. 

I declare my emotional state unstable these few days. I hope it will pass soon. I want to feel normal again. Fyp and schoolwork isn't helping the least bit. 3/4 more of the acad year to graduation. Can't wait to grad. Maybe if boyfriend is posted to Mountain Home, I'll go. Oh man. I don't know. 

Damn. I'm so doing the trip to New York alone. Or maybe I'll go to Malaysia or Laos to volunteer or work. Alone. Sheesh. I hope I'm not feeling this way because I'm being competitive. 

Please guide me, and help me focus on all that's to come. 

And between now and then, 

Till I see you again,

I'll be loving you

Love, me.  

Love In 365 Days

Jan. 12, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell

I’ll fall in love with you in the summertime. Maybe July 3rd. Does that work with your schedule? I mean, it just seems like such a good time to do it, what with the holiday and all. I’ll kiss you the day I meet you and think that I’m really setting my life in motion or something. I’ll kiss you up against a wall or on the floor or in my bed or in public. I’ll pretend I’m a teenager again and trick myself into feeling so many things! On the Fourth of July, you’ll wear a tie dye tank top on some rooftop and we’ll hold hands all day and our friends will stare at us smiling at each other like, “OMG, I’m so happy for their love!” We’ll get red, white, and wasted and watch the fireworks together.

In the fall, the weather will be getting colder but everything else will feel warm. After all, love IS a sauna! It really is. It feels super good at first, like a detox that feels like an orgasm, and then it starts to feel too hot and sticky, so you have to get out before you faint! In the fall, it will still feel like a blissed-out detox. I will know your body very well by now. It’ll start to look like a worn map with wears and tears (ew) and I’ll know exactly what buttons to push. The next step is getting to know the ins and outs of your mind but we’ll save that for the winter when we’re cold, bored, and feeling fat and unsexy.

Oh, shoot. It’s the winter already. Gosh, it sure does feel great to be loved by someone in December. All the things that could potentially make you feel lonely bring you so much joy. “You wanna play Christmas music? Go ahead ’cause I’m in love! It’s 35 degrees? Yay! I’m seeing my family in two days for two solid weeks? Bring it!” When I go home for the holidays, I’ll feel like I’m in a cocoon simply because I’m in a relationship. I’ll walk in there feeling extra confident and proudly proclaim to my family, “I’m in a stable relationship right now so you can all just breathe a giant sigh of relief. Things are going great!” I’ll miss you, I’ll live-text you my family being insane. I’ll feel solace in knowing that someone is waiting for me back in my city. There’ll be sex waiting for me the moment I land. I’ll spend the next month with you in hibernation getting to know your every thought, and sometimes it will overwhelm me and I’ll wonder if I made the right decision. I’ll go two months without seeing my best friend. You’ll swallow me whole in the winter.

In the spring, I’ll know how you like to eat your sandwiches and I’ll know how to get you mad and I’ll know how to get you off. You’ll be like a machine I know how to operate perfectly. When the weather gets warmer, it’ll feel like a love fog has lifted and I’ll be able to see clearly again. My best friend and I will talk every other day. I’ll have nights out without you. I’ll fantasize fleetingly about other people. We’ll be comfortable enough with each other to say things we’ll later regret. Sometimes the thought of loving you for another 365 days seems impossible but then other times it’s all I can ever imagine doing. I’ll think about the day when I first met you and how I felt like I had this entire person to just discover and love. Now I’ve discovered you and I’ve loved you. What now? It’s okay to ask yourself these questions. They’re totally valid. It doesn’t mean anything terrible. A relationship that’s lasted 365 days leaves you with a series of question marks and the answer to all of them is usually “I’M STICKING WITH YOU!” So you needn’t worry. Needn’t worry at all.

It's September?!?!

Yep. Time flies. I got no idea where it went to. 

It's week 4 now and e learning week is next week. And then it be recess week soon. WHY TIME YOU GO SO FAST :(

I have yet to start field work but I'm hoping to start this week. Gotta get my dissecting kit and move my microscope to s14. Zzz. 

On the other hand, I've been happy. 

Mandai workshop turned our awesome. We formed the hsc mafia gang. I got to know alot of nice mangrove ppl. I did well for the presentation. 

Bf is great. We skyped, we quarreled and made up which was funny because its over nonsense stuff again. I'm pretty sure he is the one. 

Recce is on Friday and daphne is coming. I wanna show the world my pretty mangrove:) I like recces. So insightful. 

I've been busy with grandpa and grandma at home but it has been rewarding. ESP when she eats and when he is happy. Kinda makes the back log of work worth it but I must really balance properly. Which is why I'm gonna study in school with Linhui tmr. Yay bro meetings. The bros have been so busy. And so have I. 

Maybe I'll meet up with Pawan and msz this week too :)

Gotta buck up with the school load though. 

Just finished script for marine presentation. Not really done though, one last slide. 

I'm abit sian that its already so late and I haven't managed to start on fyp. ESP after tk bounced ideas on me and how I was so excited to start reading and doing methods.

Is grandma a good reason as to why I'm not so efficient today? I doubt so. But sometimes I do hope that people who mean something to me understand this commitment that I have wrt her. I can't just not care, not in my genes makeup. 

Tk has been a dear. She motivates and inspires me. I want to meet Siva for protocol discussion ASAP before sm meets him. Because our ideas are similar. I don't know if they really are or has she been picking my brains. No negative connotations to that. Naturally when we talk more, ideas will flow back and forth. 

To-dos list

Intro

Read on tagging- what kind(radio)?info tagging gives?attach where?

How to catch crabs?

Protocol 

Note to self

According to all your blog posts, week 3 is where all the crap starts. 

DO NOT PROCRASTINATE. 

I am even more determined to work hard now that I realized how horrible it is to have disappointed him. Its funny that this affected me so much, its not so much of the threat he made but more of the thought that I didn't perform up to his expectations.

I only feel this way when I disappoint people that I love alot, like my family or Tee, sometimes even though I don't even know why they are disappointed. He isn't family but I owe alot to him. He taught me things that I never learned in my 14 years of schooling, skills which would make be a useful person to society in the future. I was proud when he got me to pack stuff for the clean up and even more proud when he asked me to be involve in Kranji.

Thanks TK for being my listening ear and advising me when I really had no one to talk to. If you must know, I was on the verge of breaking down and I did. Somehow, being both infj, I feel this connection to her. I hope she feels it too.

To the two girls, good luck. Quoting Tee, we can be colleagues but not close friends. I'm seldom wrong when I judge whether I can be good friends with people (only wrong once) and I'm sorry to say that I didn't really think we be that awesome buddies when I first met them. Call me a J.

This girl is flying solo now. But flying solo doesn't mean being mean or stepping over others to get to my goal.

I guess that's life.  

People grow old, friends move on and I grow up. 

Feeling nostalgic but nothing bad about that I guess. Because feeling nostalgic means that I had something special once too. I honestly won't want to go back anyway. So I'm good. 

I'm needed at home and I want to be at home.  It makes me sad when I see the people I love being tired and sad and I will reduce this burden for them as mich as I can. 

I can fly solo because I know that my pilot will come home soon. The guy who knows me best (I think. Haha) has always been there for me and will continue to be there. That's enough for me. 

Weh lo weh lo:)

OK, here goes.

BF went to play poker with his friends. He asked me to go but I'm not interested in playing poker.
So I decided that I don't want to go. And also because I have some reading up to do. So he went alone. And now I'm alone at home.

I don't know what I'm feeling. On one hand, I don't mind being alone and doing my work but on the other, I feel pissed because I came all the way from Singapore and he can't put off his poker game until I go off. Which is very soon by the way.

This sucks, I can't ask him not to go. Neither do I want to go. I made the decision about staying back so I shouldn't be pissed off. But I know that the chance of quarreling with him when he gets back later is gonna be pretty high. Suck la. I'm not exactly keen on going boating with his friends next week too. Its our last weekend before I fly home.

Maybe I'm just angsty because I'll be leaving soon.

Simon's guidelines to being fat

1. Sit infront of study material and chant 'peach, ice cream and M&Ms'. 

2. Causally say: I thought you wanted to make nutella bread? And proceed with a: I want thick thick nutella. 

3. 'We go exercise later' but never happens. 

4. 'I can eat some ramen if you can't finish' and 'this is good'. Followed by 'I think I'll have one packet too'. 

5. 'But I'm tired' when asked to exercise. 

Getting fat. But will get back in shape once im gone because no more fattening food and more time to exercise:) nice tummy anyway. Haha. 

How can anyone feel so happy just being with that special someone? But this is how I feel. 

It's surreal, falling asleep beside him every night and waking up likewise. 

Knowing that he is always there to watch my back, never having to be afraid of getting lost because the moment I'm out of his vision (even if it's just to snap a photo), he appears right next to me with the where-did-you-go face. Planning all the things that I will like to do without even asking me simply because he knows me so well. And simple things like thanks for lunch and dinner was so good tonight. Teaching me how to drive and holding on to the door because I seriously scare him shitless. Haha. These are all the things that make me feel so fuzzy inside. 

And the way we played with Owen? It felt so good. I think he would make a good dad. I never thought that I would like kids so much but I do. It's fun to play with them. 

This guy is just awesome. So awesome that it makes me feel that simply cleaning and making meals for him isn't enough. It's like he deserves the best of the best. I want to give him so much more and make him as happy as he has made me. He always says that home is where the heart is. And I've never really believed him because I know my heart belongs to many others back in Singapore. But being here with him is just so... nice. I'm slowly starting to believe that I'll be fine wherever he is. 

Oh and how he can laugh and salute me after the rice cooking incident resulted in such a smoky room? And how he said at least I didn't check my eyebrows? I know he's the one:) no doubt. 

Wild Frontier

So, here I am, finally in Texas with the goon pilot boyfriend.
Its nice to be here with him, and I love the place.

I'm in Del Rio, which is pretty out of the urban city setting, Didn't really like San Antonio, too city-ish for me but I like Del Rio.
 Un-touristy, full of bushes and plantations (ok, too much plantations are not good). Its really a cowboy town and there is so much to explore. Too bad I suck on the road, like really suck. If not I'll be super busy visiting all the cool wild places. There is Amistad Nature Reserve nearby and there are so many many things to do that, they have tackle shops, camping shops and stuff like that. SO COOL RIGHT. Slap me please, why can't I drive.

This driving thing is really getting to me, and the goon pilot boyfriend is argh, just annoying. But its not his fault, I really do stupid things on the road. Just that his impatience and the why-you-can't-do-it face and tone drives me insane and makes me so flustered. And let's admit it, I don't like the feeling of being put down, especially by him. Of course he means well. SUCK LA, WHY CAN'T I DRIVE PROPERLY. When I think of the un-explorable places because I can't drive, I wanna die. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Let me defend myself k, I don't think I drive like that in Singapore. Pretty sure I don't. His car is so sensitive, the steering especially. And the speed here is crazy. And his car is so big that I find it difficult to check mirrors and I keep veering off. I super don't like it when his friends' gf can drive but I can't, am I really that cui? Whatever it is, unless I can get the hang of driving here, I can forget about going anywhere on my own. DAMN.

But I'm not exactly bored staying in his room everyday. There is so much to do. Clean up the place (old habits die hard), cook for him (because I like cooking), internet, school stuff. It scares me abit, how much I enjoy doing household chores. How can someone as strong headed, stubborn and dominant (more than average) enjoy doing these things? It made me super happy when he finished all the mushroom and said to himself that dinner was so good last night. Maybe its only temporary. Haha, maybe soon I'll be damn sian of staying in his room and show him black face when he comes home. Its nice to have some time on my own though, can read all the interesting things that I have been wanting to read but never had the time. Is this how students on gap years become so well versed and knowledgeable? Any case, I haven't started school stuff. Should start after our Houston trip, its gonna be a mad rush when I get back.

Ta-ta for now:)

Chained to Our Roots

So today I went for my first public protest at Hong Lim Park even though it was a pretty quiet one.
The event is called Chained to Our Roots, its an event aimed to raise awareness about the Cross Island Line cutting through CCNR.

CCNR is a nature reserve that holds a small part of whatever's left of Singapore's primary forest. Its important because it holds alot of biodiversity and endemic (species that are only found in a particular area and no where else). Losing a habitat where endemic species are found means that the species will disappear from the face of Earth.

There are a few reasons as to why I feel pretty strongly about this issue.

1. CCNR is a nature reserve and being a nature reserve, its suppose to have the highest protection status that any green space that Singapore law offers.

According to the National Parks Act, 

No person shall carry out any activity within any national park or nature reserve which he knows or ought reasonably to know causes or may cause alteration, damage or destruction to any property, tree or plant within the national park or nature reserve.

And failure to comply will result in,

fine not exceeding $50,000 or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 6 months or to both and, in the case of a continuing offence, to a further fine of $500 for every day or part thereof during which the offence continues after conviction.

If a nature reserve that has been preserved for so many years has to make way for Cross Island MRT Line, what does it say of the protection status of the other 'nature reserves' in Singapore? If even nature reserves can be destroyed, what about other areas that are simply 'protected'? What about places like Mandai mangrove?

2. CCNR is one of the last remaining primary forest patches in Singapore and holds alot of significance.

Endemic species, historical significance, home to so many animals and plants. What more can I say? People might argue that Singaporeans are not allowed to enter most parts of CCNR so they are not really attached to it. But places like Macrithchie and Pierce Reservoir will be affected if CCNR is damaged. These are places where city dwellers go to to unwind. I'm sure there are many other side effects that we can't even think of if CCNR is damaged. Air quality, watershed problems, soil erosion.

3. CCNR is an intrinsic ecosystem, if any damage is done to it, it will most probably be irreversible.

You don't even have to cut down trees to damage the delicate ecosystem. Everything is intrisically linked. Disturbing the soil will result in erosion, loss of nutrients, disturbance in watershed, water storage and what not. The list really goes on and on. And its not as simple as just planting trees back to help the ecosystem to recover. Its so so complicated. Why disturb the place, only to spend more money trying to recover it? Chances are that recovery isnt going to work. That much I have learnt being a biology student.

4. I really don't want/need another lousy MRT at the expense of CCNR.

MRTs drive me mad. Trains have been moving like snails and breakdowns are all too common. Instead of pumping money into a new line, why not spend it on improving on what we already have? I think our public transport is pretty good and I don't need any more additions to it. I just want them to make the existing lines better. Its a pretty high opportunity cost if we are gonna trade CCNR for lousy MRT lines. I'm not saying that MRT lines are lousy, just that more can be done on maintainence.

The list goes on.

Whatever it is, I learnt a few things today.

My aim is similar to that of the protestors but I don't really agree with how 'radical' they are. Sometimes, I feel that the more radical they are, the more public gets turned off. They will just dismiss us as extremists who want to save the forest at all costs and won't really take us seriously. Which means they might not even want to hear what we have to say. Maybe its just me being judgemental.
A better way can be to hold outreach events? Like do what the toddycats do, guiding and delivering messages through sessions. Or like how Siva conduct his talks, make people aware before telling them what is happening.

Its also rather depressing given the number of people that turned up for the event. You mean only these handfull of people care about our nature reserve? Even though I don't really agree with how they were raising awareness, I was glad that I was there to support them and to let them know that they are not alone in this battle. I hope we really brought cheer to them today.

It was a good experience overall I guess. Maybe I will go for these events more often now. Because I think people like us need the moral support, to know that we are not alone in this battle to save the wild green spaces of Singapore. Ultimately, we want the best for out biodiversity so even if the way we work towards it is different, we should still support each other.

Thanks TK, for asking me along. I probably won't have had the discipline to go all the way down if I were to have gone alone. I always wanted to have a group of buddies that I can attend stuff like these with:) I don't have to worry about being quiet because I know that we are that sort of people. Its kinda like acceptance in a way I guess.








 If you would like to join us in saving CCNR, do sign the online petition:)

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1huPW-Qzb7FXSX9fu8RqsSdZVYAcPK9N50NsvfkZcpY8/viewform

Tothepersonupthere

Thank you for everything. 

Thank you for making today a haze free(er) day so that grandpa and grandma could sit in the living room. 

Thank you for making grandpa's leg feel better and for making him more cheerful. It's nice to see him try taichi at home and go out and buy stuff. 

Thank you for helping grandma to be so cooperative the past few days with all the medication and her meals. Thank you for making her smile at me and for giving me the determination and strength to go on. 

Thank you for making me a better daughter to my mum, for giving me more time to talk and bond with her. 

Thank you for keeping tee safe and for stopping the bleeding. 

I don't think I will ever be as staunch as other people and that is because I don't want to upset my parents. Traditions are a part of me and I think that you will understand and accept me for who I am and need to be. But really, thank you for everything. 

I pray that tomorrow will be a good day, that the haze won't be as bad and I pray for rain to stop the fires. Keep the people in Sumatra healthy; they are definitely having it worse than us. And give them the strength to go on with life. 

I pray that grandpa will be better tomorrow and that everyone will be safe and healthy. Give daddy the strength to serve his customers as everyone gears up for the battle against haze. 

There can be miracles, you will when you believe.

Amen:)

I feel horrible.

I dont know why, maybe its exam stress maybe its because simon is leaving again. I have come to accept that he needs to go but I cant help feeling sad. I dont want to be apart from him. I dont want to be apart from my family too. I feel like i could everywhere with him now because he is leaving but i know that if I have to leave my family, I would feel the same for them.

I dont know what I want, do I want to go with him or do I want to do honours? Its a very hard choice to make. What if I dont get to do honours then I have to go with him? who will look after grandma? who will talk to yeye? who will walk the dog? Its not fair that I just leave and leave them the mess to clear up.

But I love him so much, I will be very sad if he isnt around. I dont want to say good bye to him at the airport again. And it really hurts when there is no one to talk to when he isnt around. I dont want to cry infront of him anymore, I think he exasperated by all these and he is starting to worry about his training I think.

I dont know whats for exam tomorrow, not sure if I am prepared, what if I run out of steam to complete year 4? Would it be better for me to just graduate then?

I am sad and tired. I need help but no one will be able to give me an answer to anything.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding,
In all ways, acknowledge him and he  will make your paths straight.

Suddenly reminded of this one time where I woke up in the middle of the night and saw grandma in the kitchen. I forgot if I made her a cup of milo, but we were sitting there and talking over milo and biscuits.

I kinda wished I was more sensible and matured when grandma was better. Maybe I would have gotten to know her better. But still, maybe it was her that made me grow up.

WELL,
I think we know who is the one who has issues:(

Why let small things make you so unhappy? Wasn't his intentions pretty clear?

You are forever screwing your own life. I need to learn how to trust him and believe him.

I don't know how I feel about BF's promotion. I am happy for him, really am and from the bottom of my heart. Proud of him too. Like senior of his seniors now. Awesome shit.

But besides that, I don't know how else I feel about it. I guess its good, but I have my doubts too. All I want now is for him to come back and hug me. Then everything will feel better. I am looking forward to him coming back, and I hope he feels the same way too.

Its always the same issue of feeling something and not being sure whether he feels it back. Even after 7 years, I still feel this way.

Hi, I miss you and I hope you miss me too:/

Yep, that's the way. Avoid and ignore.
Why do I even bother with you. Is it that difficult to say reply the message? Or maybe I'm not worth it huh.

I have been very sensitive lately.

1. I cried during driving. Which doesn't makes sense at all.
2. I was pissed because of the supper thing.
3. I was annoyed after tee talked to me.
4. I hated dinner today.

I'm slightly angry with tee although it doesn't makes much sense. He wanted to call me, I could have said no if I didn't want him to. But in actual fact, I do want to talk to him. Just that I don't see why I have to give up my supper fun to talk to him. Why is it always me who has to give up things? When I want to talk to him, I don't get to do it. Either because he is busy, or tired or simply because I don't ask for it. Maybe sometimes I do, but he is tired.

Its not that I don't like to hear him talk about how he is doing there. I really like it when he tells me about his day. I just don't have anybody to rant to when I need/want to talk. I have loads to tell him. Like what I did for practical today, how things are at home, how I'm worried about grandma and how I don't feel like going for driving. About field work, so many things. So why is it that I never get to call him? But when he wants to/is free to/needs to talk, I always say yes? Is this going to be how its like in the future? Where I have to give up such things? Who can I turn to when I need someone? I'm feeling very exhausted.

Recently, I've been feeling that no one really cares about me. No one bothers to ask if I am feeling better. Even after a whole day of looking after nainai, the hypocrites come and just completely ignore my existence. Its not anyone's fault, I was super worried about nainai myself. It would be nice if someone asked me how I was though, or just tell me to go take a nap and rest or something.

I know tee is busy. But nainai means alot to me also. I was expecting him to ask about her and stuff when he called today. Or just maybe have the chance to tell him what's happening here. He didn't ask though. Its stupid and unreasonable, I know. And its not like I was bored when he told me about his day. Its just... I want to feel cared for, I want to know that there are people around me who can sense that I am not feeling that ok. Maybe he's a boy, he doesn't remember small stuff like that.

And it didn't help when the bros didn't keep supper for me. Yes, its small and unreasonable again. But was my absence even noticed? And it didn't help again when small bro said that I am not needed anymore because the other guys have decided to move over.

Ok, this is just a rant. Its childish. But I feel really unloved and alone. I am so so so tired.

Collapse and die.

Why is this week so tiring? 5days of cny just shorten my lifespan.

Today is a happy day.

I met Siva for UROPS update and I was actually a little worried because my results didn't make sense to me at all. I did put in alot of effort, just that sometimes, effort doesn't equate to results. I was pleasantly surprised that I knew my literature well. YAY. It might seem like something very small but it means alot to me. AND AND he tweeted me to tell me that it was a good update, I take that as a huge compliment:) I love what I'm doing, how time seems to fly when I am out in field.

Sure, there are times when things get difficult. Like when you don't have helpers, or when the tides are being annoying, or when it pours and you get drenched and freeze on the way home. But I think its worth it. I like the idea of putting all the research work together and presenting the information to the government (I still like to believe in the idea that people make wrong choices because of ignorance). I can't bear it if mandai mangrove gets reclaimed. I don't know why I am so attached to the place, but I just am. Like how I feel for the place when I see random people catching crabs and fish, and when trees topple. I want to find a day to thoroughly explore the place. Maybe just sit down and enjoy being there and not doing anything.

Me and boyfriend have been good. I miss him so much. Like almost to the extend that its becoming a disorder, its scary. Esp during CNY when everybody has their reunions and stuff. I enjoy the family time, I really do. But things would have been nicer if the bf was around. Oh well, cannot be too greedy. I want to go visiting with him and bring him visiting with me. I promise to be good, to be the nice gf that everyone would want.

Happy V-day everyone (even though I do think its over-rated). Nothing can beat how bf bought me flowers for no reason at all on a normal day:)

HI, I'M WAITING FOR YOU TO COME BACK.

Today, Germaine, we believe God wants you to know that ...

what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are.

 

If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it. 

 

I'm afraid that I'll waver because tee is away, esp if he goes off to US or Italy where the time differenece is crazy. I can see myself getting married with him, having kids and all, but I don't know how I'll survive the training phase.

There. I said it.

Maybe it will work out the way it is now.

What's the purpose of education if you are so fixated on getting good results? Education is suppose to be about learning and gaining knowledge, not about how to score the highest. This totally defeats the purpose of education and it really makes me quite sick to interact with you.

V-day is round the corner and everyone is thinking of what to do/where to go/when to go with their special someone. My special someone is not around, and it has been 2 years. V-day is over-rated, what's the point of it anyway? When you can spend any other day being nice to each other, why wait till v-day? But its just abit sian when the bros are preparing for v-day and I dont have much to do or rather, I dont need to prepare much. And it feels abit horrible when I get teased about it. Its no-one's fault, but just might feel abit lonely. I miss him, not because v-day is around the corner but just because I miss him.

Looking at the white paper makes me sick. How to increase population like that? How much land can you reclaim? How are parks considered reserves and greenery? Its dumb, really. I feel like going away.

And I can't tell some people things anymore, doesn't feel like its being kept as secrets. No idea why but just a feeling.

Horrid day.

But ok, bath and study. Honours.

Every year during festive seasons, one thing comes to my mind.
Its not a happy thought but it makes me treasure what I have even more.

It seems that every year, I would think to myself if this would be the last year that I be celebrating CNY with nainai. Somehow, she seems to be getting weaker and weaker. And it pains me to see yeye so affected by her. Like how he asks about blowing up the passport photo, and how he always tells me 'hen fan'. He is a very strong person, and he loves nainai with all his heart. It would tear him apart if something happens to her.

I want to be for him when that happens and keep him company forever. I can imagine how sad and lonely he would be. I daresay that I might be the next closest to him after nainai. He seems so..fragile. But it would also mean shelfing away my dreams and passion. Is it selfish to think like that? But deep down, I know that is what I need to and want to do.

These two people were the ones who looked after me ever since I was a kid. Meals, school, piano lessons, baths, clothes, they really did everything for me. Its only right that I love them the way they do with me. Its not because I need to, but because I want to.

Its scary how fast she is deproving. The photos that we take every year clearly shows it. From how she smiles to not smile, to close eyes. But that only means that I should love them more and make full use of whatever time I have left with them.

Weird dream about the bro last night. Dreamt that I lay on his shoulder. It didn't feel romantic though. It felt perfectly normal. Like how I would lie on Bryan or on a girlfriend. I think I simply miss the physical contact. Miss how it feels like To have that lil bit of body contact, miss how it feels to have your hand held and how it feels to be hugged.
Had a fun day out with him today even though the soy bean tart failed.

Conservation biology. Is that where I really wanna go? If I'm going to do it for a job., will I have to take a masters? Will I want to take the masters, is it worth while to study for another 2 years when I know that I will prolly stay home after having kids? How does that fits into his plans?

He finally sees the problem that I see. That we might not be happy with each other because it means giving up on things that we hold dear to us. He knows he is going to be happy alone. But he isn't so sure when things are going to come to us. It makes me sad that even he feels like that. Esp when he trusts in our relationship so much. I wonder if we will eventually break up. I told him that I love him, it makes me feel vulnerable but maybe meila is right. Maybe he has the right to make me feel vulnerable. It's just that exposing all your feelings when you don't really know how the other party feels is scary. I like how things are btw us now. I feel more secure and that we are really having conversations. I hope what happened tonight doesn't change anything.

I wonder how my future will be like. If I will end up with him. Would I rather end up with someone who has similar ideals like me and want to make a difference to this world? Someone whom with I can explore the forests with. Someone I know who will be there physically for me.

My heart feels funny. I miss him alot tonight.

Week 3

Time is passing so much faster than I expected.

Its week 3 and assignments are piling and data sheets are a nightmare.
GE tutorial starts this week and terrestrial assignment is due on Saturday.
And I'm supposed to meet up with Siva. OMG, I need him to map streams with me too.

I love field. Its awesome. I went alone that day, not the smartest nor safest thing to do but it was breath-taking. Esp when I walked out into the mudflats and the wind was rushing at me. Its such a pretty place. I think I want to start a photo blog on Mandai, do my part to help people love nature and raise awareness (yes, 3272 makes me feel like taking on a super proactive stand). I mean, if people like me who know where these beautiful pockets don't document it, who will? And people will only get to know about it when its about to get reclaimed and all the nonsense. So yes, its gonna be geeky, but I don't care:) Take me as I am or go away. Though I'm pretty sure that you will take me. HAH.

Have been thinking about marriage alot recently, and I came to alot of new insights. And talking to meila helped. Meila is awesome, we have alot of clashes but I really enjoy talking to her. Not clashes per say, but more like disagreements. Its nice to talk to someone whom you know speaks her mind even if her thoughts are pretty weird. HAHA. But I love her:)

The awesome bro saved my life last night, HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO USE EXCEL. Haha. Laugh, its ok, I'm learning everyday. Suddenly data entry becomes so much less painful. I'm gonna give him a photo frame to say thanks. What would I do without Mr Ree. Maybe I will ask him to go BTNR with me on Wed, if he is free. Though he will prolly say yes even if he isn't.

The bf is not around, but I still have alot to be thankful for.

Found a snake today. How cool.

Simon, can you show me more love please? No more I love you before u put down anymore. Maybe I need to be nicer so that you will treat me better.

If you call so many times and I am not picking up your call, it simply means that I don't feel like talking to you. Its not like we interact alot at home, so stop being a hypocrite.

And the only person that I want to talk to, is not free to talk because he is not around, and the connection sucks, and he is tired and he doesn't feel like manja-ing me even though he knows I am feeling down. How about there is a limit to how much nonsense I can take in a day.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD

General inertia to start work as usual. Zzz.

Its funny how life changes. I am no longer as close to the B2 girls as I once was. Things are just different and its abit weird that I'm no longer in soccer. Weird that they think E is such an awesome captain when me n V used to dislike her so much. But oh wells, things change and people change.

Its also weird how the 'important' people in my life has changed too. I used to think that the B2 girls were people whom I could stick to forever, the t-ruggers were people that I felt so comfortable with. The photos that I find dear now says alot, perspectives changes I guess. But the memories always stay. Its not something that I will willingly let go off. Neither will I let go of the relationship that we use to have but like I said, life changes.

I'm worried about my future. What if I graduate this semester? What will I work as? What do I want to work as? And I don't seem to be getting good data results. I didn't get SSS1207 too. I guess I just have to work doubly hard. Remember how it felt when I didn't get my SS? Yup, I will remember how that felt, the feeling where you knew that you tried your best and that you have no regrets.

And I love the boyfriend. He is such a dear. Even after how childish I behaved (it never occured to me that I am childish). Its a horrible feeling to disappoint him so I am never going to do it again. Fuzz Wuzz has been delivered. I like him already, simply because he is from the boyfriend. I don't think I'm ready to get married, not when I can have such serious doubts and entertain such silly thoughts. Maybe I will be ready when the boyfriend comes back, its nice to think that we will have our little love nest where we can snuggle and do whatever we want. Even nicer to think of the boyfriend being the daddy of my kids. I'm sure he will be awesome. Jiayou for flight bf:)

I need to stop writing so choppy-ly. Haha

Back to UROPS. I love it, but it can be such a hassle.

No longer home

Hall doesn't feel like home anymore.

Surrounded by people but still feel alone. I need to learn to be independent. Times like this, I really wished I had Simon around. Then we could just spend the night chilling in hall and sleep till the next morning. I need someone to talk too, but there is no one to talk too.

And modules are killing me. Not knowing whether I will be able to get SSS1207 is haunting me. What if I can't get both SSS1207 and GE1101? I might have to end up taking 4 cores and when a UROPS is involved, its not gonna be funny. Yet, something tells me that I need to try hard and push to get this mod. Even if I don't get this mod, its not going to be that bad right? I hope I won't have trouble appealing for GE.

UROPS is driving me crazy too. Should have done more during the holidays but its too late to think about it anymore. Its so hard to get started, and by the time you are finally started, you feel tired and you wanna take a break. DETERMINATION GIRL. We gotta push ok.

I'm really hurting. How? I dont want to be unhappy in the future when I'm with you. I don't want my kid to cry the way I did when dad went for reservice. I don't want to be like my mum who would break down when dad wasn't around. Even if it's just for one month.

The longer you are gone, the more I feel the pain. The more I know I don't want you to be away from me. I keep hoping that you never want to be a pilot. But that's not you anymore. It's like hoping that my boyfriend is someone else.

I wonder if we will be happier if we are apart. Then I won't have to worry about this things and you can pursue whatever you want without taking into account what I want.

But the more I write about this, the more I realise that even then, we wont be happy. I want to believe that our future is planned out nicely infront of us and that we will be very happy together. But i can't. I lack that faith that you have.

Maybe it's very selfish. To want to break up now just because I don't like the idea of our future. I don't want to go through all the missing you now only to have to end it when the time comes. And by then, we won't be young anymore. I will probably be lonely for the rest of my life.

I need to believe that we will be happy together. I need to trust you and myself. Why is it getting so hard to do? Talking about it won't solve the problem either. So it was probably wise of you to just go and sleep. I hope you are really sleeping, I don't want to add to your stress. But at the same time, I hope that you are awake. Then maybe something good will come out.