Weird dream about the bro last night. Dreamt that I lay on his shoulder. It didn't feel romantic though. It felt perfectly normal. Like how I would lie on Bryan or on a girlfriend. I think I simply miss the physical contact. Miss how it feels like To have that lil bit of body contact, miss how it feels to have your hand held and how it feels to be hugged.
Had a fun day out with him today even though the soy bean tart failed.

Conservation biology. Is that where I really wanna go? If I'm going to do it for a job., will I have to take a masters? Will I want to take the masters, is it worth while to study for another 2 years when I know that I will prolly stay home after having kids? How does that fits into his plans?

He finally sees the problem that I see. That we might not be happy with each other because it means giving up on things that we hold dear to us. He knows he is going to be happy alone. But he isn't so sure when things are going to come to us. It makes me sad that even he feels like that. Esp when he trusts in our relationship so much. I wonder if we will eventually break up. I told him that I love him, it makes me feel vulnerable but maybe meila is right. Maybe he has the right to make me feel vulnerable. It's just that exposing all your feelings when you don't really know how the other party feels is scary. I like how things are btw us now. I feel more secure and that we are really having conversations. I hope what happened tonight doesn't change anything.

I wonder how my future will be like. If I will end up with him. Would I rather end up with someone who has similar ideals like me and want to make a difference to this world? Someone whom with I can explore the forests with. Someone I know who will be there physically for me.

My heart feels funny. I miss him alot tonight.

Week 3

Time is passing so much faster than I expected.

Its week 3 and assignments are piling and data sheets are a nightmare.
GE tutorial starts this week and terrestrial assignment is due on Saturday.
And I'm supposed to meet up with Siva. OMG, I need him to map streams with me too.

I love field. Its awesome. I went alone that day, not the smartest nor safest thing to do but it was breath-taking. Esp when I walked out into the mudflats and the wind was rushing at me. Its such a pretty place. I think I want to start a photo blog on Mandai, do my part to help people love nature and raise awareness (yes, 3272 makes me feel like taking on a super proactive stand). I mean, if people like me who know where these beautiful pockets don't document it, who will? And people will only get to know about it when its about to get reclaimed and all the nonsense. So yes, its gonna be geeky, but I don't care:) Take me as I am or go away. Though I'm pretty sure that you will take me. HAH.

Have been thinking about marriage alot recently, and I came to alot of new insights. And talking to meila helped. Meila is awesome, we have alot of clashes but I really enjoy talking to her. Not clashes per say, but more like disagreements. Its nice to talk to someone whom you know speaks her mind even if her thoughts are pretty weird. HAHA. But I love her:)

The awesome bro saved my life last night, HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO USE EXCEL. Haha. Laugh, its ok, I'm learning everyday. Suddenly data entry becomes so much less painful. I'm gonna give him a photo frame to say thanks. What would I do without Mr Ree. Maybe I will ask him to go BTNR with me on Wed, if he is free. Though he will prolly say yes even if he isn't.

The bf is not around, but I still have alot to be thankful for.

Found a snake today. How cool.

Simon, can you show me more love please? No more I love you before u put down anymore. Maybe I need to be nicer so that you will treat me better.

If you call so many times and I am not picking up your call, it simply means that I don't feel like talking to you. Its not like we interact alot at home, so stop being a hypocrite.

And the only person that I want to talk to, is not free to talk because he is not around, and the connection sucks, and he is tired and he doesn't feel like manja-ing me even though he knows I am feeling down. How about there is a limit to how much nonsense I can take in a day.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD

General inertia to start work as usual. Zzz.

Its funny how life changes. I am no longer as close to the B2 girls as I once was. Things are just different and its abit weird that I'm no longer in soccer. Weird that they think E is such an awesome captain when me n V used to dislike her so much. But oh wells, things change and people change.

Its also weird how the 'important' people in my life has changed too. I used to think that the B2 girls were people whom I could stick to forever, the t-ruggers were people that I felt so comfortable with. The photos that I find dear now says alot, perspectives changes I guess. But the memories always stay. Its not something that I will willingly let go off. Neither will I let go of the relationship that we use to have but like I said, life changes.

I'm worried about my future. What if I graduate this semester? What will I work as? What do I want to work as? And I don't seem to be getting good data results. I didn't get SSS1207 too. I guess I just have to work doubly hard. Remember how it felt when I didn't get my SS? Yup, I will remember how that felt, the feeling where you knew that you tried your best and that you have no regrets.

And I love the boyfriend. He is such a dear. Even after how childish I behaved (it never occured to me that I am childish). Its a horrible feeling to disappoint him so I am never going to do it again. Fuzz Wuzz has been delivered. I like him already, simply because he is from the boyfriend. I don't think I'm ready to get married, not when I can have such serious doubts and entertain such silly thoughts. Maybe I will be ready when the boyfriend comes back, its nice to think that we will have our little love nest where we can snuggle and do whatever we want. Even nicer to think of the boyfriend being the daddy of my kids. I'm sure he will be awesome. Jiayou for flight bf:)

I need to stop writing so choppy-ly. Haha

Back to UROPS. I love it, but it can be such a hassle.

No longer home

Hall doesn't feel like home anymore.

Surrounded by people but still feel alone. I need to learn to be independent. Times like this, I really wished I had Simon around. Then we could just spend the night chilling in hall and sleep till the next morning. I need someone to talk too, but there is no one to talk too.

And modules are killing me. Not knowing whether I will be able to get SSS1207 is haunting me. What if I can't get both SSS1207 and GE1101? I might have to end up taking 4 cores and when a UROPS is involved, its not gonna be funny. Yet, something tells me that I need to try hard and push to get this mod. Even if I don't get this mod, its not going to be that bad right? I hope I won't have trouble appealing for GE.

UROPS is driving me crazy too. Should have done more during the holidays but its too late to think about it anymore. Its so hard to get started, and by the time you are finally started, you feel tired and you wanna take a break. DETERMINATION GIRL. We gotta push ok.

I'm really hurting. How? I dont want to be unhappy in the future when I'm with you. I don't want my kid to cry the way I did when dad went for reservice. I don't want to be like my mum who would break down when dad wasn't around. Even if it's just for one month.

The longer you are gone, the more I feel the pain. The more I know I don't want you to be away from me. I keep hoping that you never want to be a pilot. But that's not you anymore. It's like hoping that my boyfriend is someone else.

I wonder if we will be happier if we are apart. Then I won't have to worry about this things and you can pursue whatever you want without taking into account what I want.

But the more I write about this, the more I realise that even then, we wont be happy. I want to believe that our future is planned out nicely infront of us and that we will be very happy together. But i can't. I lack that faith that you have.

Maybe it's very selfish. To want to break up now just because I don't like the idea of our future. I don't want to go through all the missing you now only to have to end it when the time comes. And by then, we won't be young anymore. I will probably be lonely for the rest of my life.

I need to believe that we will be happy together. I need to trust you and myself. Why is it getting so hard to do? Talking about it won't solve the problem either. So it was probably wise of you to just go and sleep. I hope you are really sleeping, I don't want to add to your stress. But at the same time, I hope that you are awake. Then maybe something good will come out.