I had alot of fun with AB blockers on saturday.
What's going to happen when I leave hall?
Am I that bad a friend who doesnt try to keep in contact?

I am secretly afraid that I am.
Right now, I just can't seem to find time for anything.
And its scary to think that nainai is starting to forget who I am.

I don't want to be a lonely person. I don't want to lose my group of friends.
Make the effort ok:/

I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us
Doesn't seem right these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try
Somehow the plan
Is always rearranged

It's so hard to say
But I've got to do what's best for me
You'll be okay

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
And I watch them fall every time
Another color turns to gray
And it's just to hard
To watch it all
Slowly fade away

I'm leaving today
'Cause I gotta do what's best for me
You'll be okay

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

What about us?
What about everything we've been through?
What about trust?
You know I never wanted to hurt you..
What about me?
What am I supposed to do?
 

I gotta leave but I'll miss you
So, I've got to move on and be who I am

Why do you have to go?
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
I'm trying to understand

We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now

I want you to stay

I gotta go my own way

I've got to move on and be who I am

I think I will be able to manage, but I might not be happy doing it. I find it difficult to be happy for you. Its weird when I can't be happy for you because its something that you want so badly.

Heck la:(

If I had no regard or whatsoever for EQ

Hi mel,
You know what? You really need to stop playing the one man show. I am the girl captain for a freaking reason and there are things that you need to discuss with me. You have freaking seniors who are more experienced than you and you need to go to them for help. Its not about you, you and you. What's the freaking asshole point of a discussion when we come to a conclusion only to have you pretend that the discussion does not exist? True, you can't please everyone but right now, you are pleasing no one. Seriously, you need to out your ego aside and freaking be a captain, you need your seniors so stop pissing them off. Stop being a whimp and asking me dumb shit stuff like why he whisper whisper to me. YOU HAVE A GOD DAMN FREAKING MOUTH. USE IT. ask him if you want to know. Do I look like an owl to you?

Hi Jo,
You know what? You need to stop being a petty boy, seriously you are worse than a girl. I think even I dont behave like that. The world will still continue spinning even if you dig a big hole and disappear into it. Noone is indispensable. Get it into your big head please. You got no idea how dumb you sound. Im tired of hearing you talk about how you are not being valued, if you want to be valued, do something about it, not just boycott. You dont have mouth also is it

I feel stupid.

I really did study for midterms pretty hard this time but I think the papers weren't all that easy. Am I just not clever or what:(

A series of unfortunate events which made me believe once again, that someone up there is watching over me.

I felt super stressed/nervous when I saw the Sheares girls training that day. Suddenly occurred to me that they are training properly and might not be so easy to beat anymore. Plus Alycia and Shadrina are gone. I suddenly realise that I have quite alot to lose.

I felt kinda jealous when I saw their training. Their senior support so strong. I am not saying that our senior support sucks, but still, I can't see any conflict in the Sheares seniors wheras I can see the conflict in ours. Dont get me wrong, I love our seniors (maybe a bit too much) but I dont agree with the way they do things sometimes. Neither do I agree with Melvin. That makes me a loner:(

I was pretty distracted with all the touch nonsense and all the whisper whisper so I couldnt study for my GEK paper. Luckily I went to sleep. I cant imagine what would have happened if I found out about Nis on the night before the paper.

Sometimes there are so many coincidences in life that you need to believe that they are actually planned out. Like how Nis finished his antibiotics before the mass came out. I would have felt really bad if I didnt take him to the vet. And how I fell asleep at 11pm when I havent done that in ages. Maybe Nis loves me too much the way Presto loves grandma. He wants to wait for the important things to be over before he burdens me with his problems. I really love him alot :/ I dont know what will happen if he pass on. But I am quite proud of myself. I think I am made of pretty strong character.

When I heard that Nis was in the hospital, there was really that split second there that it didnt register then I started crying after that. I really wanted someone to comfort me and tell me not to worry. I am after all, a girl who needs someone to lean on. It felt weird that I couldnt reach tee. So wanna guess who is the next person that I wanted to reach? :/ I guess it was just that need for companionship. I wonder how I am going to survive if tee goes overseas though.

I really wanna be that supportive girlfriend. Like how Shannon's gf supports him and tells him openly on fb that she will wait for him.But I dont have that courage, I am scared, I dont know if I dont trust him or I dont trust myself:(

But I promise to work towards it.

"When you want to be successful as bad as you want to breathe, then you'll be successful!"

Sometimes you are a very difficult person to deal with.

You kind of remind me of Dawn. And I never know what to do with you when you are upset.

I don't like being pushed away because it makes me feel like I can't help you.

And it makes it worst when I don't know if I am the one who caused it:(

But I guess everyone needs their own space the way I need mine too...

Just want you to know that I am here if you need me:((

I am feeling abit depressed,though I don't know why.
I think its got something to do with how I can't interact with my blockers properly. And its also got to do with how I can't plan my time properly. And it has also got to do with my obsession with certain people.

touch ftw

Its weird how touch now has a completely different meaning for me.

Right now, I feel super happy and contended. What more can I ask for?

Friends who are always there for me, vicks,teo, meila, pinlang. The girls have been supporting me int their own way and they have really made a very big difference to my life. Its pretty amazing how I try to show that I am not emo but they find out anyhow. And when you talk about the reasons of emo-ing with them after you are done emo-ing, it feels kinda dumb that I emoed about such small little things. The things that the girls have done for me are really small but I feel the sincerity in each and everyone of the things they do. Like how pinlang dabao for me,how teo played touch even though she has never played before, how meila came down even though it was a very un-meila move.
Vicks ah vicks, thanks for being my friend. Thanks for picking up after me whenever I screw up, for being there when I needed someone to talk to. For guiding me in your own way when I was lost in touch. Sometimes the encouragement from this awesome girl really keeps me going strong.

The supportive ruggers, lin hui, eddie, johan, melmel
I think this group of guys will be the most awesome group of guys that I will ever know. They are similar yet different in their own way. I really wanna record down every single moment that I have spent with this group of guys. How it all started when we came up with IBG rules, the HTHTs that followed, the ice cream sharing. I want to tell this 4 guys how much I love them but it seems weird. I told that to johan anyway. Haha. It especially touched my heart when Johan took time off his lab to help us ref and to save my ass. It feels good to have Johan back in AB. I love side stepping him. Its like running into a bull dozer and that makes me very happy.
Lin hui has been totally awesome. If there is an award for most supportive senior, he should totally win it. He was there since day 1 of planning for IBG all the way to today.I think we would have died if not for linhui. How he came up with all the tatics, how we emoed about freshies, how we enjoyed being introverts at Master's house. There are still so much things that I can learn from him. I felt so lost when he wasn't at the field when we were setting up today. I am really glad that he moved into AB.
Eddie is one of a kind.Haha. I will miss him when he disappears into JCRC. It upsets me to see eddie being emo, and he is a pretty good influence( think 8am lecture)

So anyways,
debrief for Touch IBG.

Personally I felt that it was a big mess. No playing area, not enough cones, some scary seniors, being too small so people can't see you, the ambiguities of the games.
But talking to a few people made me feel that it was actually pretty well done.

Some points to think about
1. playing area too big, difficult to hear ref
2. people don't know the rules

I can't think of anything else, prolly cause its late. I shall discuss with my analysts tomorrow and come up with more suggestions to make it a better experience for my jie ban ren:))

loss for words

I am at a loss of words.
Chun sheng just passed away during NS. Even though I am not close to him, I feel quite affected.

These are the kind of things which you won't expect to happen to people that you know. But when it really does happen, there is this one moment where you don't believe that it did. I wasn't close to Chun Sheng, but I really respected him as a band leader and a senior. It was quite amazing how he did things without having to 'steal' the limelight.

I wonder how the others are feeling now.People who are much closer to him must feel so empty and lost. His family must be feeling so sad now. Its so hard to come to a closure this way.

I pray that everyone who knew Chun Sheng will remember him forever,may his spirit and way of doing things not be forgotten. He was a man who practised what he preached and let us remember that. I pray for his family and his friends to have the strength and courage to carry on. I pray that they will get the proper closure that they need. I pray for Chun Sheng's soul to rest in peace, knowing that he was loved and very much appreciated in this world.

I pray for simon that he will have wisdom to know when to stop pushing himself. I pray that god will bless him and keep him safe.

It suddenly occured to me how much I love tee. It be really hard to carry on without him. With him, I can really speak my mind and there is this level of comfortableness with him that I don't have with anybody else.I know that he won't judge me and I love him for that.

I pray that I will learn from this incident and treasure the people in my life more. I pray to be able to put myself in mummy's shoes and understand and accept her way of doing things. Help me not to be irritated with her and make the effort to show her that I still love her.

Remind me to love each and everyone of my family and friends and show it to them too.Help me live my life without regrets so that I won't feel that I didn't do enough when the day comes.

my grandma has dementia:(

i talked to the OT today.
so basically,i told her a few things.

I should probably describe my circumstances. I am 20 this year and my grandma has vascular dementia. My family lives with them so it has been affecting me quite alot. Its difficult to carry on with life normally especially when you see that the whole family is affected because of this one person. My mum and younger bro doesnt help out very often because its just not in them to do this kind of things. So its boils down to me, dad and grandpa. Grandma is exceptionally attached to grandpa so he bears he brunt of the disease.

1.the insomnia problem

So what denise, the ot said, was to keep her active in the day. This is so she wont sleep in the day and as a result, will be able to sleep at night. She suggested that if we can't wake her up by shaking her,then try to get her to stand up and walk around the house. If she has the problem of sitting down in the middle of nowhere,then try to put stools around the house. Alternatively, keep your hand on her bumbum to signify to her that she can't sit there. Can also hold her pants.

2.how yeye's negative attitude might hv an impact on her

Ok, this is something I observed. So what happens is that she will piss yeye off,yeye will get pissed off(duh) and yeye will show some negative body languages to her which will in return,aggravate her more and the cycle continues. Denise said that what I observed could have been real. Which brings us to the point that yeye probably needs time off.So when he gets angry,she suggest that he should take like 5/10min breaks away from nainai. Because it will do the both of them good.

3.why she pinches yeye

Ah ha. Tricky issue. So there can be a few reasons why she does this. Denise thinks that it might be a form of disciplinary action for him being away from her(in her context) It could also be like the vicious cycle that happened that made her unhappy hence the pinching. How to solve it?good question..

4.what we can do with her

According to Denise again, she responds better to things with bigger movements, things that will actually wear her out physically. This might be a good thing because she will become tired so that she can sleep at night. She suggested that we play balloons with her, she played bowling with her today.

5.what we can do to help yeye

When nainai calls him, we can actually try to distract her by talking to her.Most of the time,when she calls,it means that her needs are not being met. So we can prompt her by asking her questions like if she is hungry and such. She probably calls like that because her vocab is becoming smaller.

6.why she keeps calling him

The answer above probably fits this question too. And it might also be due to the fact that she feels yeye not paying as much attention to her as he used too.

I remember I once read that when a person with dementia does something nasty, its not the person doing it, its the disease. I really hope that someone who feels the same way as I do finds my post useful. Its actually a post for me to consolidate my thoughts but if it helps others, why not?

I love my grandma, i really do. Just that dementia is quite trying on family members.

又是过不了自己的那关:(
why like that?jealousy will always be a part of my life,and I fking hate it.
its mean but I wish that she can't achieve the things I achieve.petty eh?welcome to my life.

I got alot to do before sem starts.and I dont want sem to start.
why is it always like that every year?
need to worry about how things will be at home,how grandpa will cope with everything.
I dont like this feeling of wanting to do something but needing to do another thing.
I want to move back to hall because I am honestly sick of some things at home.But moving back to hall is just avoiding the whole issue,it won't solve anything and I hate being such a coward.
its always a very torn feeling when you have to choose between doing something you want to do and doing something that is expected of you.its not that I dont like being at home,I love being at home and I love my family more than anything else but sometimes I get very sick of the way that things turn out.

I dont understand how come god took away her ability to eat proper food when it is one of the few things she has left in her life.its one of the few things that she enjoys doing and that I can do for her.
It feels weird not being able to buy food for her when I go out.
It feels mean when she has to eat porridge everyday when I can eat all the nice things.
It feels horrible when I have to take away what she wants to eat from her because I am afraid that she will choke.I feel really bad when I see her staring at my food.
I think that is one of the reasons why grandpa has lost his appetite.
Its not difficult to get tired of all these sufferings that you see in this world.grandma falls sick and everyone around her gets affected.Sometimes,it really makes me question what life is about.

I thankful that she doesnt need a feeding tube,but its human nature to want more than is given to them.I just wonder why it is that of all things,they had to take away her ability to eat the food that she likes.it hurts me to see her like that.and I am sure I am not the only one that feels hurt.

It doesnt help that tee is going into army too.I want to whine and complain and everything but I think he has alot on his mind too.I really dread him going in.But then again,it be back to school so it wont make so much of a difference?Hope so..I see alot of changes coming.Like how I will have to spend more time at home,how he will also have to spend more time at home,making both of us highly unfree.And if he gets his pilot thingy,its gonna be even tougher:(
The selfish part of me doesnt want him to get it because it would mean that he be gone for long,but the other part of me wants him to get it because that is what he really loves.And it means alot to me that he does take into consideration that I dont like being apart from him for such long periods.I guess somehow we will ahve to try to work it out.Either that or we fall apart,which I am already very sick of doing.

You can never choose the person whom you fall in love with.You can tell yourself that the guy that you like must be this and that.But when you really like someone,you can't un-like that someone.If only it was like FB.The person that you fall in love with can have the most annoying traits in the world but when you like that person,you cant help it. So you cant choose who to fall in love with but you can choose who to marry?warped,but true.

well,life sucks,get use to it.

伟大的daddy

im really proud of the daddy that i have.
there are so much things that i have learnt from him through his examples.circumstances made me the person i am today and seriously,no doubt,my daddy is one of these circumstances.

girls are usually closer to their mums,making me the anomaly here.but its really hard to be close to my mum when i can see so many flaws in her.dont get me wrong,i still love my mum.but its just amazing how close me and my dad are.i guess its again circumstances that made us that close and again,im thankful for it.at least something good came out from all the shit.

hows my daddy like?

he's just pretty thoughtful and nice and caring.
like how he paid for the old woman's medicince,how he always puts his parents as his prioirity.i guess even for an adult,thats not an easy thing to do because everyone needs a life.the only alone time he take for himself is when he goes jogging.

one thing that im very very thankful for is how he manage to forgive me and tee.it takes a really big heart to do that.and alot of trust.therefore,i will make good use of this chance that he has given me.

i dont understand how come good people like him have to go through so much shit.
what happened to grandma probably made him age like 5years.and its not easy to look at how much pain grandpa is going through from looking after his wife.i know how it feels.i guess it feels even more terrible for dad.

as if thats not enough,he doenst hv the support of mum.which i think is one of the worst things in the world.because when you are down in the dumps,ur spouse is supposed to cheer you up.instead,i think she adds alot of unnecessary stress on him.especially with bro and everything.

i really love my dad.
emm..hope he remains healthy and happy.and evey obstacle that he faces makes him stronger as a person.

eh ah oh ah cambodia ah,
we are the men from PA 13 ah.

these were my aims
1.dont judge--seriously difficult,3/10
2.differences aside--erm slightly better,5/10
3.serve with all your heart and soul,8/10
4.dont be a hermit crab,6/10
5.dare to try new things,7/10
6.have fun,10/10

see,i think i did a ok job.kudos to jon and tee who reminded me why i went for this trip.you got no idea how much i love you guys.
guess alot of things happened and i took away alot of learning points from this trip.

1.how there is a phase of team bonding
2.do the best tt you can,even if it doesnt make that big of a difference.remember the starfish?
3.be very very happy for what you have,be it family,water,lights,slippers,toilet paper
4.learn for the joy of gaining more knowledge,not for the sake of getting a god damn degree
5.nature's resource are limited,use them wisely
6.what's a disability if you can overcome it:) go tony
7.you can't make that much of an imapct on someone's life,you just gotta make sure you try ur very very best
8.be delighted by the simplest things in life
9.everyone is different
10.be thankful that singapore is a relatively uncorrupted country.
11.its ok not to claim the credit,just as long as you know what you have done.you don't need to try to be recognised for it too cause eventually,someone will notice.

i have learnt to be thankful for some simple things that I would never have had. Like slippers and meat. i will never ever throw away things which can still be used again,I will try to give them away.

Memories will certainly remain.
like how

walls between everyone were broken down by a simple game of hopscotch,
the kids could speak nuts about english but learnt so eagerly and quickly,
finding out that Tony cant speak,
shooting down mangoes,
crying with my awesome buddys,
playing catch with the kids,
kirrei came back night after night just so he can learn how to sing twinkle twinkle little stars,
the people in cambodia remember to contribute back to society,and with so many of them sincerely wanting to do so.

i guess the memories are fading.but well,you get it.it was a time with ups and downs and i really want to go for another trip.maybe i dont,because it wouldnt be the same experience again.adn this is an experience that i really wanna keep.i want to lead a OCIP trip and do everything my way. in my world,the team will have to try their best to integrate with the villager's life,the world will not be such a clean freak place and everyone will like everyone.

even though OCIP is overated,it was overall,an awesome trip.

this is mega dumb.
does it go to the next line?

just another wonderful day

i just realised tt maybe,grandma having late nights might be the person up there's way of allowing me to bond with her.the things tt i will remember of her will be how she likes to flick my chin and ask me to slp,how she walks around smiling at me,and tell me that im the most guai one.

i had a good day today.


went for tee's grad today.im really proud of him.and today,he impressed me again.how he would rather take his grad photo with his family.i guess we still hv lots to learn about each other.his dad was really nice.i like talking to him.it makes me feel pretty at home.but his mum seems..distant.i was kinda hoping tt i will take a photo with her,that photo tt made me so envious.maybe its just today's circumstances that didnt give the chance too?or maybe she doesnt like me as much?well,whatever it is,i like being with them.i will make her like me,i will do my best to win her over.for him,i will do alot.

thanks for giving me and us another chance to prove that we are not animals and that we can control our emotions.i will really try to keep the promise that i made.the past few days have been hell.i didnt sleep properly,funny dreams keep happening.i keep thinking that the dreams were visions of what i should do.but i guess they just served as a reminder of how hard things will get if it had really happened.i was really scared and i really hated myself for being so dumb.seriously,how bimbotic was that a way to prove myself?and when the consequences are so dire.i really learnt my lesson.help me keep my promise,god.tee was a brick.i mean,i didnt know what i expected from him but the way he did things really made me felt that we were in this together, and that no matter what the outcome was, we will solve it together.it suddenly dawned on me that this is really the guy that i want to marry.he might not be romantic but i know that he definetely cares for me.

talking to jon also made my day.

i think i have been so caught up in the politics of PA thati kinda forgot my real purpose of going to cambodia.talking to him made me re-analyze the situation and i remembered my purpose.one must understand that germaine is someone who is afraid to be out of place.the only reason why i joined PA without any friends is because i really want to serve the people in cambodia.i want to make that difference in their lives,i want to bring them joy and put smiles onto their faces.screw the organisation.screw the director,screw the logistics.screw the girly girls.i shall just go there and do my best for the cambodians.


thanks tee and jon for making my day.


tomorrow,i shall start packing.

when will i learn not to wait until the last minute?
now i feel so unprepared for 1102 and 2220.

i dont know what went wrong but i felt like i really did study quite alot during this reading week.and i have been doing consistent work.vicki really scared me and made me emo when she knew all the small details that i didnt.i feel like im just going in there to hamptam.

geog is as screwed.i hope karst comes out.if not im so dead.i havent even touched the calculations part yet.

i really need to set my goals right.i need to plan my time better.even if im nt gonna take honours,i dont want my CAP to go below 3.5.i was suppose to pull it up this semester.i really want to keep my options open.PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.let me do ok tomorrow.i dont know if i deserve it.but i think at least,i really really tried.

today shall be a productive day.
its MY day, MY life.I determine how its gonna be.YAY.
i have a list of to-dos and im gonna complete it.
OCD FTW

trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.In all ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

its my wish that one day, i will be able to assimilate into you and your group of friends and your family.then, i will be able to be myself and nt be afraid tt people will think tt im atas or dao or fierce.i want to be part of your world the way that jobi is a part of OQL.and i want you to be part of my world the way OQL is a part of jobi's. till then, all i can do is try to impress your friends and family and pray hard that the day will come soon. because,it really means alot to me.

help. i feel very confused and stressed out again. it feels tt me and tee dont need each other anymore.we hvnt gone out properly for such a long time already. i feel that he have so much things on now.like he has so much friends and tt he has been going out with them so often.but even if i ask him to go out with me,i dont know what we can do.so i shouldnt ask him to go out with me right?the thing is he doesnt seems tt he feels tt we dont hv enough time for each other.i cant concentrate. i dont know what to do.i dont want/dare to break up with him.but i dunno if this is going the wrong way.i should end it now if i think tt it is.the thing is that i dunno.i still can remember how horrible it was tt time when we broke up.how can things change so suddenly?i cant concentrate and its driving me crazy. im scared tt the correct choice would be to break up with him.i dont wwant it to happen.i dont have the courage to make it happen too.i dont want him to be the wrong choice after all that we hv gone through. how can he be the wrong choice after all that we hv gone through?but then tts the idea tt i get frm him.its like he feels tt he made the wrong choice.tt im just this small part in his life.i dont want to be together just because of whatever things we have been through.i want it to be real. are our love languages really tt different?or is it that i dont understand him?or that we hv lost that connection tt we once used to have? i really dont wanna lose it.what if he doesnt know if its the right decision to hold on also?what if he,like me isnt sure of where this relationship is going?

and so it happened.
the nuclear reactor in japan exploded.

how can so many bad things happen to the same group of people over a span pf less than one week?but thats life for you i guess.i feel very affected by what happened to japan.maybe its because i have seen so many pictures of japan and heard of their super high-tech stuff there.but somehow,seeing everything that they have become a pile of rubble,saddens me alot.i have never felt this way about a natural disaster before.i feel bad for doing daily things such as hanging around with my friends/laughing/not finishing my food.it feels wrong to be enjoying life when the people in japan are worried sick about their lives.i feel like a hypocrite when i do those things.like what happen in Hotel Rwanda when people just look at news coverage and say 'oh so sad' and they go back to eating their dinners in a high class restraunt.

im disappointed with some people.i wonder how they can think/say that people deserve such a mishap.and how they feel that other countries are being dragged into the whole thing even though its not their fault.so is it japan's fault that they live along the fault line?in the same way, its wrong to say that other countries are being affected by what happen there.and nobody, NOBODY deserves the nuclear bomb.2 wrongs dont make a right.and if you think like that and become a teacher next time,im sorry for the kids that you are going to teach.tell me where you teach and i will avoid sending my kids to that school.

i made a resolution not to judge people but its such a hard one.when people dont feel the way you do,you often feel that they are wrong.

i find it difficult to wrap my mind around the whole issue.how can there be a god when so many terrible and horrible stuff happen on earth?and its not just on earth, its the same exact spot on earth that so many horrible things are happening.meilani says that i will understand one day.i hope i will.i did pray for japan.i really do hope that they will be able to overcome this obstacle and become stronger.seriously,no looting,queueing for neccesities,i take my hat off.

seriously tee,if you dont think my msg makes sense tt so be it.f off.dont come and tell me your big logic and theory when im just concerned and want to share stuff with you.

i couldnt resist even though i told myself slp at 1230.

who am i to judge?i dunno.i think this world is nv fair.i nv thought tt a 10min interview is enough to determine a person's character.but apparently,thats what happens everywhere in the world.and thats how you end up with ppl on gov scholarship being caught for possessing child porn. there's got to be someone to determine your fate.maybe fate isnt tt good a word to use here,but well..u get it.someone has to do the cut.thats the way an organisation works.u cant have 100 ppl getting the same oscar.you just have to compete with the best and in the end,the best man wins.the man who wins may not be the best,but when you took up that challenge, you should learn to accept the T&Cs.it might not be fair,human prejuidices always get into the way but nothing's perfect.you just hv to come up with a way to eliminate people.of course, ideally,u would want to give everyone a chance.but there's the problem of cost to take into account too.

sometimes you just got to admit tt shit happens,and hell,it does happen often.if your attitude is to give in and complain and moan your life away about how unfair things are, then the one who lost is really you.you dont lose when you get eliminated,you lose when you let that one failure determine the rest of your life.

then again,its easy to preach.its about practising what you hold.

i wonder if the touch ruggers find me annoying.seriously,joining IVP when i cant throw a long ball?its a love hate relationship.im so excited to go for trainings but at the same time,im pretty nervous.and tt makes me do dumb stuff ie:drop ball,chuck ball.and kok scares me.karen doesnt,she's pretty nice.im torn btw staying and leaving.i need to ask someone if im screwing up their training.i dont want ppl to think tt im so thick skin to join IVP despite nt knowing how to tap and go.but when alycia asked,i thought it would be ok cuz she really reassured me tt as long as i have heart,they will want me.but apparently, i need thick skin, calm, and guts too.

trouble at home again recently.grandma performing stunts.which makes me wonder if i should stay in hall.but i want to.because i wont be able to concentrate at home cuz i'll be too obliged to look after grandma.and i need smth to distract me nxt year when all the chages start coming in again.and i want to play touch.its really at the point when you flip the coin tt you know what is it you really want.i have nv let flipping a coin determine my decisions.dont get me wrong,i do flip it.just tt most of time,i rethink my decision after flipping the coin.ahhh,humans

sometimes,i just get very tired with this world tt we live in

stupid

i feel like a dumb ass crybaby.
seriously,its close to one year of staying in hall.
why do i feel homesick suddenly?
maybe its beacuse i heard nainai making noise over the phone which means tt she is nt sleeping.
and that probably yeye and daddy will have a sleep-less night again.
what made it worse was that i could have went home.
so now im bawling in my room like a baby.
like seriously,get a life

im 20

and so im 20.
first time nt spending birthday at home but still,i had a great day.
with tee's suprise and finding nemo,the thai food.
my sweet hallies with the cake..i know they are up to something worse.i know them too well.i shall just wait.
and my super jc friends dawn,greog and fiona who came down all the way to nus for me.we had such a fun time talking.seriously,if i didnt hv any paper tmr,i would hv stayed the whole night.i love you girls.
plus daddy's sweet note:)
i have so much to be thankful for.
pls lord,if u are really up there,bless all the people i love and who love me back.
i feel so happy.
time to study now.cant wait for the CAs to be over.

i think the world is a very funny place.
alot of funny things can happen.like shit happens.good things happen to.
maybe we cant just judge whether its shit or is it something good.
mum can be super anal.i mean,if u wanted to invite them to stay,then think through it properly before you ask.not ask then regret.

quarelling over the dining table was a dumb move.but i understand both sides.i hope this is a blessing in disguse.maybe more unhapiness will happen if they really did move in.
anycase,i dont know what would happen if mum is nt on talking terms with fi yiyi.
mum will probably go into depression again,fi yiyi will probably feel very guilty and bad and i would be so caught in the middle cuz fi yiyi is actually someone who means alot to me.she is everything of what mum should be but is not.is not tt my mum isnt a good mum but fi yiyi fills alot of voids and gaps in me tt mummy doesnt.like how she told me tt im olde enough and tt she trusts my judgement.like how i can ask her opinion on things such as fashion,bgr.like how she teaches me how to cook and bake.like how i admire the way she gets along with everyone,esp uncle kc's family.

lets just hope tt this is a blessing in disguise.
i believe fi yiyi understands mummy's character and wont be too angry with her for what happened.

how to interact with your boyfriend's mother

teach me:(

and so we are left with ONE IHG

time passes so quickly.before you know it,im at the end of ihg.i would be lying if i said tt i was happy with ihg performances.its not about the results tt we get but its the process tt counts.after each IHG tt i take part in,i wonder to myself if we would hv done better had i taken the responsibilty to come down for trainings,go for KE fit etc etc.

la asked how come we try so hard when others dont care.i know what she means,yet im guilty of it.i guess we try so hard because we dont want to let ourselves down.even if the team performs badly, you can still say to yourself 'hey,u tried your best'.but if even you heck it,you will feel even more horrible.which is kinda what i felt after track.i kept asking myself if things would have been better if we had trained the full 100m instead of just the baton passing.because of tt,we let go of a freaking 4th place.i thought it was all about trying my best.in the end,i did but life just likes screwing us up.lets just take this as a lesson.its over anyway.im sorry trackers,esp alycia,shadrina and arjun.i dont know if it was my fault but once again,fault doesnt change the way things are.

given a choice,i would turn back time and try to attend trainings more regularly.i want to inspire ppl with this sucky feeling i hv within me now.sadly,i dont think i will hv the chance to anymore.

but still,i love hall and felt the warmness n fuzziness of hall even when i was at home at 12mn last night.i really want to keep the friends i hv made in hall.

had very fun times in hall once again:)

flowers,notes,chocolate,pranks.haha.i feel so loved when i see all the flowers n notes.plus dad's sms.so sweet.i love my friends.dinner with tee was cool too.so seldoms we go to somewhere new so we kinda walk alot.spider sense my head.too bad no home cooked dinner.haha.but seriously,i kinda knew he wont do it cuz he is not tt kind of ppl.still,i still think tt its pretty sweet:)who doesnt want a bf tt can cook?but hey,i love him.

then there was the baking:)sia didnt come:(lala disappear:(tas went home:(
so given my ocd and iwantitmyway character,i was slightly pissed off and anal when pl offered her so many opinions and acted like she is incharge.i thought i was over tt age.see,i hv a bad side too.luckily the guys came to diffuse the tension.i wanted to make something special for my tee but couldnt think of anything.aeroplane quite fail.

the guys were telling me to continue with ivp.im abit scared.i dont hv background plus they seem pretty scary to me.but i like the feeling on the field.during ihg,i kept wondering if i still dared to dive.but tt day,it was like instinct tt i i dived.i didnt realised i dived till it was over.i love tt feeling.but i let in 2 goals(after reflectin for a long time)i love the sport alot.

something not so happy happen during the friendly with TH but im over it.the take away point is tt the more you know of a person,you will eventually realise tt they will let you down sooner or later.its not a bad/sad thing i guess.its just life.kinda shows you tt nobody is perfect.and tt the people whom you really like n care about are the ppl who can let you down the most.

there;s no such thing as BFF or friends forever too.all the warm fuzzys tt i hv mean so much to me cuz there are so many memories in there.so what if they are just memories?they still mean alot to me.reminds me to treasure what i have now.like my hall friends.i really wish i could keep them for life.but i think the friendship might fade after i leave hall.so i really hv to hold on to them so tight now.like what sia said,we'll just see what happens.

tts life,turning 20 in 2 weeks time for me.im not sad or anything.maybe even glad tt i hv come to take life in such a calm manner

have u ever had this feeling?
you hv so much to write about,so much u have been thinking about.
but when u sit infrt of blogger,ur mind goes blank.

im tired.
have two CAs tmr and i just feel like nuaing.i hv been doing too much of nuaing.but seriously,2 CAs after CNY 5 day break?dont work man.

you can laugh

you can laugh but i will stand by my thoughts:)
i love cny.it means quite alot to me.

like how we will go garden on the eve eve.
how we sit around so cramped up around the table and eat steamboat,the disgusting things tt we cook,the alcohol tt we take.
how we spend eve at yishun and go to the temple at night.how we pack hongbaos to shou sui.how we rush back to yishun the next morning.
how we kai nian,then kai again at fi yi yi's house,followed by poker and what not.

i dont like them because i believe in the traditions or whatnot.its just a very dear feeling tt i hold close to me cuz i have been repeating this whole routine countless of times in my whole life.they mean alot to me i guess,especially as i grow older and realise that people might not be here the next time we celebrate again.i wonder how long it will take for other people to realise that.others refer to fong gu,mum n my asshole bro.i want to continue all these forever and ever.but i know its difficult cuz eventually,i will have my own family.

but i believe tt family is when everyone makes the effort to come together no matter how busy they are.

hey you up there,
thanks for giving me this beautiful family tt i have:)

stop ur nonsense.
its difficult to interact with him already.that means its BAD.BAD.BAD.BAD.
he's nicer frm afar.
when two perfect people come together,they make a perfect couple.
*melts*

20

im turning 20.and at 20,you would think that i would have already gotten pass and used to certain things in life.
unfortunately,tts still a no.haha

i find myself tongue tied when i talk to people who i deemed are 'cooler' than me.seriously,how childish can this be right?if its someone of equal status or lower,then i feel that i can talk and i think i keep the coversation going.i swear tt its completly unintentional.i didnt even notice it until recently.

im very proud of the blueblack on my hip because i got it frm touch rug.YAYNESS.i want to show it to everyone but i cant walk around in my underwear right?

well,i dont wanna grow up if it means tt i have to decide on a career.it also means tt i cant wear shorts and shirt to work.seriously,i need to start dressing like a 20 year old.and hey guess what,i hv never ever used nail polish in my life.neither do i intend to at the time being.

so here goes

my relationship with boyfriend seems funny.physical attraction is not there anymore.and i cant help but wonder if we are using each other for the wrong purpose.maybe its someone up there telling me to end this relationship.but i dont want to.as much as i may think tt we are not suitable for each other,i dont want to.even if i dony love him anymore or vicey versa,i really dont want to.im too dependent on him already.i hope that things will go back to normal for us soon.

touch rug is on sunday.and OMG we are really not prepared for it.i experienced a sense of de javu tonight when training ending.i blamed myself for skipping trainings,for doing training just for the sake of doing it.i blamed my teammates for npt showing up consistenly for trainings.most of all,i told myself that if i cccould turn back time,i would have done things different and trained harder.it felt like the night before SYF where i felt like kicking myself in the ass for not practising hard enough.i dont think i will get another chance to play like this for hall anymore.

soccer friendly was much better.at least we drawed with RH after the previous defeating 4-0.i felt a sense of acheivement tt soccer training did pay off after all.

i saw the unseen side of many people today.

1.eyecandy
i nv seen him so fierce before.i guess he must hv been very stressed out by the game on sunday.he exudes this authoritative aura around him when he plays and its quite mesmerizing.i really hope that things turn out well for the guys team.they deserve to win so much more than the girls deserve to.and after all the hardwork they put in,i hope it really pays off.i wanted to go to him and tell him not to be so stressed out, nt becuz i eyeandy him or whatever but because i would do something like that for a friend that i feel is in need.

2.vic
poor girl.she always looks so happy.but i think tt everyone has their own fair share of problems.maybe she will feel better if she talks about it to people but she doesnt seem to want to.i think we are both quite alike in some ways.

i just want you to know that if you ever need a listening ear,i will be there.i cant promise that i wont judeg you but i will try my best to listen,advise, and be your friend.after all,who am i to judge?i want you to know that there are people who will face the problems that you have in life with you.even if they cant share your burden,at least let them accompany you through your journey.

three things that im grateful of
1.nice boyfriend who took care of me when i was having flu.just being there made me feel better
2.the wonderful friends that i have in hall.thanks for all the encouragement,get well soons and talk and ice cream
3.my flu that has almost recovered.it means tt i will be in gd form on sunday for IHG.

good night world.studying has to start tomorrow.

God: “I love that story, Noah and the Ark. You know a lot of people miss the point of that story. They think its about God’s wrath and anger”.

Evan’s Wife: “What is the story about then? the Ark?”

God: “Well I think its a love story, about believing in each other. You know the animals showed up in pairs, they stood by each other side by side. Just like Noah and his family.”

Evan’s Wife: “But my husband says God told him to do it. What do you do with that?”

God: “Sounds like an opportunity, let me ask you something… If someone prays for patience, you think God gives him patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage? Or does He give them the opportunity to be courageous? If some one prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feeling or does He give the opportunities for them to love each other?”

Originally uploaded by (Speak)

i saw this on jingwen's fb page

Cinderella walked on broken glass. Sleeping Beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle fell in love with a hideous beast. Jasmine married a common thief. Ariel walked on land for love and life. Snow White barely escaped a knife. It was all about blood, sweat, and tears, because love, means facing your biggest fears

today:)

today,i saw 2 wonderful people on the bus.it was nice talking to them and it made me feel much better about myself and some other issues that i have.

so i thought of something.i actually prayed at seletar today.it felt like a right thing to do in that peaceful place with the water running and the smell of the salty sea breeze.i asked for guidance to the issues that i have on hand now.i wonder if the bus incident was a coincidence or was it a sign.

and i thought of something again.
someone told me that u will only feel god when u are down in the lowest point in ur life.maybe its true.today's incident made me realise tt sometimes,u are so desperate tt u ask for help and u try to find signs that match to what you think.so u can look at it frm 2 sides.

1.it was really a form of guidance
2.you would rather think that its a form of guidance and follow it cuz you have no idea what to do.
for today,i think it was abit of both.

touch rugby was super good today.it felt nice to be muddy and running like a mad dog on the field.sports cheer me up immensely.im really thinking of taking up touch rug in some other ways.i hope we do well at IHG.

had a catch up session with my b2 girls today.it was so good.just sat there and nua the time away,talking about anything and everything.its a good feeling.

i think from today onwards,i will try and record down 3 things tt im thankful of in tt day.tt will make me a happier person.and now,its time to sleep and wake up early for bf tmr.after which will be followed by studying and napping b4 lect.

its hard,
no one ever said it wasnt

welcome to my life

do you ever feel like breaking down?
do you ever feel outta place?
like somehow you just dont belong and no one understands you.

how can people understand me when i dont understand myself?hmm..but whatever.
i skipped ONO dinner again today.so as you can tell,im nt exactly the most sociable person on earth.i dont see how people can make the effort to go to a meeting to meet up with new friends/people that dont really matter to them.i have a feeling that this will be my downfall in life.when i grow old,i will be a cranky woman who dont hv much friends and will spend all my days at home.sighs.but on a brighter note,my friends are people whom i really enjoy being with and i dont hv to pretend to be someone else when im with them.so yay,true friends ftw.and of course ihv my darling cousins tt grew up with me,mainly bryan n timothy.

i came to a conclusion that im nt a very passionate person in life.i have close to zero passion for things.i love animals.thats the one thing i hv a passion for but hv yet to do anything abt it.ok,maybe i hv passion in lotsa stuff but i hvnt done anything abt it yet.

1.animals
2.sports,namly TR,cycle.i secretly like running actually
3.nature

hmm..tt isnt alot right?but still,i dont know why im such a passion-less person.i should do smth about one of my passions and stop being a boring person.but i dont want to change who i am,honestly,im quite happy with the way my life is going now(except in certain aspects).but well,i need a passion before i become a boring,unfeeling person.

its weird but one of the things i like to do in life is to just go to a quiet place with nature around and just sit there and do nothing.just admire the scenery and watch the world go by.it doesnt really matter if im alone or with friends,sitting down quietly or just talking will make my day.i always feel so refreshed when i do smth like tt.

i just finish checking my email and OMG.it sucks.i hate checking mail after nt checking for like 2 days.but still,i feel tt im getting more irresponsible.im neither here nor there for all my activites and tt makes me feel like a dont belong anywhere plus i cant put my heart n soul in for anything.
i went for soccer friendly on sat and suprisingly,the team said i did quite well.i thought i was running ard like a headless chicken.i guess being small n able to run gives u a certain advantage.i feel pretty bad abt nt going for soccer trainings,esp since the cap is vicki.but i really cant drag myself dwn for soccer when u hv so much to do n feel so nua.GERMAINE LENG,you know these are excuses.in any case,im gonna play my heart out on sunday.vicki deserves tt frm me.

i'll bring up ntu bike rally to tee tmr.maybe we really need a common goal.

i shall go look in on grandmama b4 i slp but i gotta feeling that its gonna take a long long time.i love her so though.

new experience for me.the kids there quite poor thing.it only occured to me then that i am so lucky to have a home to go back to,have parents to talk to,and hv so many people to love me.


germaine,be thankful for what u have.
learn to appreciate what u have before wishing for something else.maybe somethings that you hv are things tt alot of people will die for.


this trip kinda open up the mother insticnt in me.shit right?ever since when did germaine leng comes with the word mother insticnt?i dunno how to spell instinct.ah.this is right.ya,i realised tt actually i kinda miss relief teaching and giving tuition.i find giving tuition more rewarding though.at least the dont hv the many many gangs tt run ard the classroom and scream and 'teacher,he scold me stupid'seriously ah..haha.kids can be quite funny.


yups.going for photoshoot now.i really dont wanna go but i think i owe in to vic.i hvnt been to a single training.shoot me.soon,its back to hall life.im abit scared by it but,well,u'll live.


i found some amazing blogs.
its nice to see pretty photos,inspirational quotes and whatnot.