its nt the end,but a new beginning

im the ultimate family girl.
19,going on 20 and i rather spend festive seasons with my family than with friends.boyfriend included:)i hope boyfriend can join us one day.
playing the piano and singing along,stuffing ourselves silly,playing stupid games,playing sparklers.i think these are things that i want to hold to every year,things that i will treasure.

so once again,its new year's eve and when everyone is out celebrating with friends and family,im at chiltern,waiting for the countdown.i think i have alot to be grateful and thankful for this year.

nainai got better.it was horrible at the beginning when she cried,scream and shouted in the night.and when yeye was so drain everyday.the listless eyes and the helplessness tt he feels.at least whatever was haunting her,be it memories of her mum or the fear of yeye leaving her is no longer there.i see her smile more now than i ever had.to the person up there,thanks for giving me the chance to spend another tangyuan festival with her.giving yeye hope that nainai becomes better.

my daddy:)
he's been wonderful,there were times where he screwed up but i can tell its because he is tired n exhausted.thanks for being there for me when i was down and needed the support tt i coudnt get frm anybody else.

boyfriend.
even though our ups are super ups and our downs are super down,this has been an eventful year with you.when nainai went into hospital,when i needed a break frm all the shit,he was always there for me.when i was struggling with exams,his calls n msgs cheered me up,encouraged me.insecurities might hv plagued our relationship this year but in someway or other,i think we have grown closer.the insecurities are still there but hey,i love you.thanks for trusting me with ur blog though im not visiting it.thanks for giving me the chance to be who i am when i have to put on so many different masks infrt of so many people.thanks for letting me cry when i am with u for no particular reason.and for letting me yell and throw my temper at u whenever im feeling down.

friends,especially dawn lim jia en:)
thanks for being there for me everytime i was down.there to listen to my insecurities,telling me things tt i nt necessarily like to hear but did me good.for showing me the different points of view that ppl look at things.may our friendship continue to blossom:)

B2 weirdos and hall friends
hall was fun with all of you.thanks for making it easier for me to ease into uni life.thanks for all the gossips,the stupid jokes,the inside jokes,the eyecandying,the teasing,the complaining.late night gossips,late night suppers,birthday celebrations.i love all of you*hugs*

yups.so much to be thankful for.i shall stop complaining about life.

so resolutions for next year.i wonder why ppl make resolutions when they are seldoms acheived.but still,i will try.

YOU
we have so much to do.so much to learn frm each other and so much to adapt to.thanks for being in my life.i dont want to be the jealous beech tt i am anymore,dont want to make life difficult for him anymore.either you learn to love him for who he is or let him go.but if you were to let him go,let him go nicely,even if it might hurt you.dont make the same mistake twice.dont make his mistake again.if you are going to love him.love him for who he is,religon and whole.at the end of nxt year,i hope tt i can come to a decisive conclusion.i want to keep to the promise that we made to each other,not even on special occasions should it be broken.i want to try to get my mum to accept you,i want you to be able to come for dinner with us soon.god knows where to start though.learn to control ur temper,dont let it out all on tt poor boy.
im
family
i wanna be nicer to mum.understand where she is coming from.but deep down,i hope tt she will learn to accept me for who i am too.

studies
AHHH.nomore lala land.study hard.u are so god damn lucky tt ur CAP is a 3.5.push yourself to study.dont forget who u are in the midst of the busy place tt you are living in.

i dunno what else to challenge myself to.maybe by having so little resolutions,u can say tt more or less,i have no regrets in life.

let 2011 come and may it be an enjoyable year where i enter the 20s.let me grow to be more matured,learn to control my temper,focus on the things tt i want in life.i hope i can find my direction in life at the end of the year.
HAPPY NEW YEAR:)

i love my grandmama.
im so tired now.but i love her so much.i dont ever wanna lose all my memories with her.how i wish i could just record every moment and re watch them again and again and again.
i never wanna lose her:)

dementia doesnt change who they are inside:)

things have changed so much.
i have to admit it.it scares me.god is now a part of you.you are no longer the guy who doesnt care abt church anymore.its no longer becuz of anyone tt u are going back to church.and lets admit it.im scared.im very very scared.

im scared tt i will lose the young boy tt i fell for.im scared tt u will turn into someone scary who thinks tt saving me is everything.scared tt u will turn into someone whom i will detest.i tried to go to church.really tried.anfd it felt weird.wrong even.like im going there for the wrong reason.not so because i believe but i want to try so tt i will be part of your world.and lets admit it,i feel tt i will nv belong there.i lost the faith.i used to hv it im sure,even though i make poke fun at religion,i pray when im scared.in sajc chapel,when i prayed,i really hope tt someone would answer my prayers.i felt calm n serene.but i hv lost tt feeling.when i pray now,i just feel my heart beating faster n faster.

it hurts to know tt you might hv been loved for a different reason.it makes me scared again.why are we back?to make up for past wrongs?

i feel tt i dont belong in this world anymore.my family doesnt need me anymore.maybe daddy does.ye ye n nainai do.things at sb n chiltern are no longer the way it used to be.everyone only bothers about mj,com.the sense of belonging is lost.i dont belong in his world either.i only belong there when we are alone together,and nt doing long term thinking.im afraid of spending my life with you.why has this world became such a lonely plc.

nt for the first time,i wonder why i wasnt born into a christian family.tt would hv made things so much easier.im trying to live with what i hv now.but its not easy.its nt going to make sense to ask anyone to choose.its nt even fair.i hv 2 choices.try to accept life the way as it is or end everything.

sometimes i wish i nv fell for you,i wish tt it was someone else tt i fell for.someone tt my parents approved of.someone tt had a commonn group of friends with me.someone whom religoin is smth tt doesnt matter to them,the way it doesnt to me.if only we didnt get back together.it was against anyone's judgement to do so?the only reason it hurts so badly is because the bond between us is so strong.maybe its true,i hv been searching unconcioulsy.what for,i dont even know.

i'll try.really hard.its just tt i dont know how long i can hold out.n what happens once i lose the energy?i need an answer and maybe the answer is not what i want it to be.

yay

semester results are out:)
3.5. its nt fantastic but its gd enough for me given tt i came out of chem almost in tears,came out of 1104 swearing and came out of 1507 immune.
so YAY:)

im going to thailand at 7am tmr,means we need to be at airport at 5am.plus i hv nt started packing yet.

i heard the asshole taking money frm the grandparent's piggybank again.seriously,why doesnt he has a conscience?who were the ones who cooked for him,looked after him?
i really try but cant see the good side of him at all.which bastard will steal frm his granparents?plus one granparent has dementia.i thought he changed for the better when he bought so many souveniors for them.maybe once you reach a certain age,getting caught for smth tt u do is no longer scary.its the moral compass in you that will lead the way.

i dont know how well my moral compass is working.i know i committed several mistakes myself and might be even repeating some of them.but my mistakes dont involve anyone else.i dont go taking things from other people.i dont know if i should tell dad.he has enough on his mind and i dont think he can do anything to stop him.im afraid that he might continue stealing when we are in thailand.

i love wolves.

Sungei Buloh trip

i think i found my uroups projet.i really want to go around looking for poop.it will definietly be enjoyable.sungei buloh is suh a nice n peaceful place.any plc with nature is.i want to live my life in that kind of place forever.we saw monitor lizards,snakes,snails,otters,birds,crabs.
what i enjoyed most is the guided tour by marcus.plus knowing that one day,i will be like my seniors who will know all the life forms and functions.

merry christmas

i want a white xmas this year.like when we went UK.where everything was peaceful,quiet.even though it was one of the most trying times of my life,i enjoyed it.i felt carefree.maybe because i felt so nice, i look so pretty in all my photos:)

to you:
thanks for being by me during that trying time of my life.you probably didnt even know what i was going through at that time but hey, you were such a great comfort to me.all the talks and quiet times that we had.thanks friend.i will always remember that period of time that we share together.

its time to move on.u asked the questions that you needed to know today.move on girl,love the guy in your life now with all your heart.even though you may not agree or understand certain things that he do,try your best to do so.remember,learn from the negative examples that are around you.

i thought i was over it.until i asked u abt it again today.it felt weird.my heart was beating so fast,the way it was when i last asked u abt it.but i guess at least i can talk about it now.do you know,i didnt dare to start a facebook account cuz i was afraid that i would see pictures of the both of you together?

at least i've grown.i hope i have.i cant believe that it only happened 2 years ago.it seems such a long long time.

my heart still beats funny when i think about it.i hope the day would come where i will be able to laugh it off as a silly mistake you made.i still feel insecure occasionally.
but i cant help but feel that u owe me after what u did.sometimes,a small part of me feels like hurting you back by doing the same things with another guy.

its sick but i cant help it

im sorry if i poked around abit too much today.i realised that it wasnt completely about me n you.part of it is about you and her too.
im sorry.

loving you can sometimes be so hard.

its the holidays:)

exams are over.its the end of my first sem in uni.there's been ups and downs as usual.

UPS
1.west coast mcd with AB
2.doortags
3.gossiping with my b2 weirdos
4.birthday sabos
5.block suppers
6.changi practicals

i guess there are many others but i just cant remeber them off hand.but i need to give credit to the boyfriend.

DOWNS
1.the first day in hall when it was raining and i had no umbrella,no towel
2.getting ready for 1401
3.the day where i had to be in 3 places at once.

i think i needa get off.dad needs the com.and,I CANT WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS

i feel much better after talking to tee and vicki.plus yihui gave me a fuzzy wuzzy.i think im pmsing.
dont worry girl,this is the first sem.just try harder the next sem.u need to give urself time to pace and adjust into uni life.its nt the end of the world.

review for cm1401

see what i found on the net.hahahaha

horrible.horrible.horrible.i used to like chem.but aft this mod.i totally hate chem and would not want to touch chem mod anymore.this is a killer mod.both organic and physical chem in a sem!more 20plus chps to cover and furthermore we are not chem majors!no formula list will be given during exam whereas for chem major they will be provided.how unfair can it be.we are not majoring in chem yet we are supposed to cover more than them and required to memorise all those formula and constants!We are guinea pig as this is the first year that they combined both organic and physical chem in a sem.It was real real bad,worse most horrible mod for the sem.For exam, I din do like almost 1/2 of the physical chem part and yet i was able to score B.this shows that the bell curve must be skewed all the way to the fail part.
by- (

everyone needs a break

HANG IN THERE

Plants and animals both owe their origins to endosymbiosis, a process where one cell ingests another, but for some reason then fails to digest it. The evidence for this lies in the way their cells function. Both plant and animal rely on structures called mitochondria to release energy in their cells, using aerobic respiration to produce the energy-carrying molecule ATP. There is considerable evidence that mitochondria evolved from free-living aerobic bacteria: they are the size of bacterial cells; they divide independently of the cell by binary fission; they have their own genome in the form of a single circular DNA molecule; their ribosomes are more similar to those of bacteria than to the ribosomes found in the eukaryote cell's cytoplasm; and like chloroplasts they are enclosed by a double membrane as would be expected if they derived from bacterial cells engulfed by another cell.

i know how to upload pix frm flickr now:)

just saw Otterman's blog. i realised that i have alot in common with him. from cycling to animals to blood donations.

i so wanna be his friend.HELLO!!CAN U BE FRIENDS WITH ME??I'LL PROMISE TO ACE YOUR MODULES

rainy days

rainy days in hall arent emo-ish anymore.
why do i hv to get addicted to nice pix n blogging 2 weeks b4 exams..

Holiday P

Holiday P
1.album for yeye and nainai
2.make my blog nice nice
3.COOK!BAKE!
4.pack the darn messy mess of mine(this is always a post exam activity)
5.try to dwngrade the annoying msn
6.xmas frames for all my buddies:)
7.buy boots and shoes frm queensway(IMPT!!)

wonderful days

cycling along mandai PCN.i skidded,fell and made him fall too.we were kinda like encrusted in mud.

me and tasmine:)

wonderful day

it took me a record 6 min to get nainai to sleep.yay:)
at least i can concentrate on my work after this.just wanted to say that nainai is so cute.she smiles at the slightest things that are completely not funny but her smile is so contagious tt it makes everybody else smile too.
i wonder if tts how mummy feels when she tries to get me to slp when i was young.
haha.i must hv given her a hell of a time.
it amazes me how our roles have changed and reversed.now im the one trying to get the person who got me to sleep last time to sleep.
confuzed?haha.

i love my htht in the car with daddy now.
i feel like a talk to him like im a big girl and he treats me like one too.
i'll try to be nice to kenny.but sometimes,its really hard when our characters just clash like nobody's buisness.

had an unexpected day with tee today.
went to his friends's house for deepavali but did nothing except say hi, drink coke,eat pineapple tarts and used the toilet.well,at least it wasnt too bad.but well,i didnt say anything at all.
we dabao dinner for him and went to seletar cuz i wanted to see the rain come.it didnt rain but we saw this UBER COOL GUY flying his power kite.
and no joke,he is damn power.
its little unexpected things like that that makes life wonderful.

life is not measured by the number of breaths you take
but the number of breaths that take you away

i miss hall.
haha.never thot i would.i miss my b2 gang.

ok.off to mug now.going cycling trm morning.hope it no rains.

an excerpt :

again, enough of school, please, i'm pleading myself.
the late HTHT talks i've been having with the B2 girls were really a good way to end, or maybe begin the day, remembering that we closed our conversations when the clock showed that it was 3 am ?
4 hours of sleep were the maximum i could hit, and a few minutes before 8, i was awake again because i made a promise to turn up for breakfast with the same gang.
priceless :)

i realized that i have grown some kind of love towards the people surrounding me, and hall :)
the culture really fits me because they don't steer you, and they don't force you to do what you're not willing to do,
everything that i do for hall, or almost everything, is out of my willingness, and they are sincere.
that's one hell of a good point.
they won't ask you to throw away your books, and interfere with whatever rubbish they're involved in if they know that you really can't let go of your books at certain periods of time,
and they know when they are supposed to be having fun, and when they're supposed to be concentrating back on the books.

im gonna miss hall like mad,
esp the B2 girls.
i love u girls:)

eye candy:(

eye candy is getting wayyy too distracting.
why is he so cute?
i hvnt found smth tt i dont like abt him yet.
ok..maybe yes..rule no.1 remember?

had photoshoot today
and we wore our school uniforms.
OMG.
i miss the sa girl sey so so much.
i love my uniform.
i feel so confident wearing it.
how pathetic though..
i need a uniform to make me confident??
well...
i just love it.
wearing it made me feel so holy,
like i need to listen to chapel songs.

guess it really is quite nice to know tt whatever happens to you is all pre planned.

Trust in the lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding.
In all ways, acknowledge Him
and He will make your path straight.

boyfriend is right.
im trying to concentrate on too much things at one time.
and its secretly hurting my efficiency.
grandparents,mum,dad,dog,him,schoolwork,hall,uni friends,jc friends.
i have been neglecting quite a few things recently.

i guess that all along,i did know that i was being rather unfair to him.
he is really putting in more than me.
or maybe he just has more free time?
whatever the case, i know that he's beeen putting in more as compared to me.

i always say and think tt it would be fine if we break up.
but when he said tt he felt i wasnt putting in enough effort,
my heart kinda sank.
then,i realised tt he actually matters alot to me.
i was kinda afraid that he was hinting for a breakup.

boyfriend is right again.

one day,when she is gone,
you will regret thinking that she is naggy.
you will miss her smile and everything

he made me think again.
i havent been fair to mum right?
but sometimes,its hard to be nice to her.
esp when i see how double sided she can be.
im nice to nainai cuz im afraid tt i dont hv much time to spend with her anymore.
but what if something happens to mum tomorrow?
will i regret anything?
i think i will.
which is why i hv been trying REALLLY hard to be extra nice to her.
its not easy.
but i'll try.

i feel that my family is falling apart.
why is it so difficult for dad to stop the car for mum to buy breakfast for tt goon brother of mine?
dad doesnt calls her ah pui anymore.
sometimes, the silence is more difficult to endure than the names.

i caught up with dawn today.
i hv been trying to avoid msn cuz its detrimental to my efficiency rate of doing work.
i realised that she is going through alot now.
it would kill me to hv to give nis away.
i felt very bad for not being the friend that i was suppose to be.
instead of being there for her,
i avoided going online cuz i didnt want to get distracted.

friendship does not disappears.
it evolves.
if it isn't strong enough to evolve,
it becomes extinct.

remember that my girl.
even in the midst of family and studies,
be fair to your friends too.

More than words:)

tonight is a more than words night.
i love block comm.
i love tasmine.
i love eye candy:)
i love oldies
i love climbing.

these are things tt i will miss when i leave hall.
it was so cool when johan was speeding in the lorry.
UBER COOL.
way too cool.
now i know why people tend to do stupid things when they are with friends.
they seriously cant help it.
but hey,
tts why we are called reckless youths:)

i think im eye candying you more now.
bad bad news.
im nt suppose to m i?
haha.
what's life without eyecandys..
I WILL NOT FALL FOR YOU.
i will just eye candy you.
remember criteria 1.

u are way too cute and cool:)

Home:)

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

miracles do exisit

miracles do exisit.

i was wondering how i was going to attend 3 activities at the same time.
but guess what, i managed to do it.

odac meeting was quite..sian
seriously, i thought ppl who joing odac will be people who really love outdoors.
a 1 day trip to johor to shopping?
pls.. get a life.
i was looking forward to rafting.
ah well, cycling will be fun too.

PA..so far ok la.
nthing much.
but cool, KR friend is there/^^

netball was super shiok.
i was feeling so tired and drained after everything and WHAMBAM
netball made everything better.
i felt so happy.
its such a liberated feeling.
and when we did tatics, it was quite funny to see ppl killing their own space.

went to check chem results after tt and WHAMBAM.
i knew i wont do well but still,
i didnt expect others to do that well uz i really found it difficult.
ah well,i've moved on.
i need to really make up for it.

i have so many things to do i just dont know how to organise it.

which leads me to the issue of god and religion.

do i believe that there is a god?
yes.

i admitted it to dawn even though i refuse to tell tee anything.
i dont want him to start converting me.

but anyways,
i do miss sajc.
where the holy spirit was all around(not literally)
and where i sorta believed that when u say a prayer, god is really listening.
i tried yesterday but it didnt work.
i want to believe.
i just cant though.
its not in me to put my heart and soul into smth tt i cannot see and dont know if it exisits.
hell, i dont even believe in somethings that i can see and kinda know its exisits,ie:tee
so its not so much of having a reason to not believe in something
but its having a reason to believe in it.

well,
i just miss the quiet time in sajc during morning worship and chapel.

i hope tt i believed tt god really exisits.
then, i will have more motivation to do whatever im doing.
i want to believe in the idea that god wont give u an obstacle that you cannot overcome.

my EQ improved.

now i know why mum and gu gu dont get along.
woohoo.
after 19 years,going 20,i finally figured it out.

mum is either damn tactless or she dont bother to show her dislike.
they were mutually suaning each other like noone's buisness.
COOL.

i learn frm negative examples.i will,i hope.
i want to get along well with my husband family.
so well that they will love me so much and so will i.

i get 2 underwear to keep me alive for 5 days.
gd luck to me

i need to slp right now.
i did nothing over the whole weekend.

i gt odac meeting AND pa meeting AND netball training tmr.
i need to complete my chem tutorial(if there is one) AND my writing tmr.

gd luck to me.

gd night to me

long long day

yup.
today was a long long day.
i woke up early,hoping to get some work done.
but only managed to print stuff.
well,at least i tried.

so yup,
reached LT really early and read prac notes.
but i gotta admit today was quite a gd day.
i didnt fall aslp, i listened for lectures, i got work done.

went for PA interview too.
i wonder whats wrong with me though.
why do i join all the activities in the world, half hoping that i be accepted,half hoping tt i wont?

first odac,now PA.
seriously,i think im not wanting it bad enough.
but i guess PA will be fun,
at least the trip willbe.

i need to work real hard for EOY.
to cover whatever i screwed up during midterms.
MUST MUST MUST.
hopefully,after next thursday, i will know what i want,
hounours or not.
i be lucky if i know what job i wanna do too.
i think i need a goal in life.
a goal that i can work towrads too.
then i wont feel like im floating around,
living, not exisiting

I'm Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and then you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

D-d-do do you, but do you, d-d-do
But do you want to come on
Scooch on over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

(I won't hesitate)
Open up your mind and see like me
(No more, no more)
Open up your plans and man you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
(It cannot wait, I'm sure)

So please don't, please don't, please don't
(There's no need to complicate)
There's no need to complicate
(Our time is short)
'Cause our time is short
(This is our fate)
This is, this is, this is our fate
I'm yours

Im so tired.
i want to look out into greenery but all i see is PGPR and the C block toilet -.-

but its empty

grandma being very scary.
every morning she will wake up and complain tt her stomach hurts.
i really dunno whether its really pain or she jz being whiney.
i know yeye is getting very very pissed off with her.
its more than being pissed,its worried too.
can u imagine how he feels?
sometimes,i feel so bad for him.
i feel so helpless,especially when he doesnt get to slp the whole night and when she wakes him up when he naps.
life suddenly isnt very fair ehh?
im tired of living in this family.
but if anythings happen to any of them,i think i wiill cry until i die.

went church with him tt day.
i saw her.
well,i felt very scared throughout the whole thing.
i got no idea why but my heart kept beating really fast.
i wonder if she knows.
i wonder what she knows too.
but it felt weird.too out of place there.
it was so much more comfortable in sajc.
i dunno if i can accept the fact tt he is such a staunch christian.
i hope he teaches at sunday school.
but i hope that she wont join him there.
i hope im over the issue of both of them.
i really hope.
cant help wondering if she joins them for lunch after church and if he compares me to her.
am i inferior in anyway?

i was pretty upset with wanling tt day too.
we set to meet up on tues but she said she couldnt make it.
if i went to church with her on sunday,would it be a different story?
i dunno.
i dun like it tt way.
it feels like she is blackmailing me with church.
friends arent supposed to work tt way.
i wonder again,what is it tt keeps her faith so strong,what is it tt keeps HER faith so strong too.
i want to see things their way,but i cant.

i wish i could go back to the way things were btw the 7 of us.
it really upsets me tt relations are getting so strained.
i know that they are great friends,the way they stand up for me and everything,but im afraid tt i would lose them too.

i wonder if HE gets really bored about how i always go on and on about nainai.
cuz i realised tts what i hv been doing recently.
every small single detail,i will hv to tell him.
but if i dont,i think i will go mad.
he was so great with scout tt day.
damn,i love tt dog.
i love all dogs:)
im surprised tt he remembered what i wore on our first date
cuz i cant remember what he wore:)
isnt tt a change for once?

you fill my head and soul.
cant wait for monday.
i get 2 days off all the shit in life plus i get to spend them with him.

well,shit is mean.
its like the sun.
the morning sun and the afternoon sun.
one's really nice and the other's really horrible.

i went to np just now.
send the doggie for grooming then i went to walk walk.
i saw this really nice long sleeve shirt with the waist thingy in the middle.
$39 bucks.oh man.i really like it.
i can imagine me and my dream guy going out in tt and when we wake up in the morning,i just wear tt shirt and make breakfast:)

i saw a guy hoodie too.
i want him to wear tt:))
i gt a fetish for guys in hoodies.
imagine us strolling along the beach,me in my dress,him in his hoodie.
AWW.

i miss doggie.
something feels missing without him ard.
like i expect him to plonk beside me anytime.
and like i need to scold him too.
haha.miss u doggie

PACK LIST:))

clothes
grey dress
shorts and singlet
sweater

Tolietries
shampoo
body wash
face wash
shaver
towel
toothbrush
toothpaste

Misc
shoes
comb
moisturiser
water bottle
camera?

Food
cupnoodles
chips
chocolate
campbell?

wazzup

three more weeks till April the 12th.

26th march,fri:BAND:)
27th march,saturday:steamboat dinner with 13a

29th march,monday:cycle
30th march,tuesday:date with sweets:)
2nd april,friday:good friday
3rd april,saturday:stupid wedding dinner

5th april,monday:mee siam day
8th april,thursday:spca,dogs
10th april,saturday:bryan's concert

BORING.

mega uber ultra bored.
nobody to go out with.
im dying of cabin fever.there is nothing to do at home.
really nothing.
nothing on fb,nothing on blogs,nobody online.
i dun wanna do photos anymore.
i dun wanna do my uni scholar app and neither do i want do my tuition essays.

i needa life.im bored.really bored.

i cant wait for 12 and 13 april.
please let everything go according to plan..
i wanna blow ur mind away.three more weeks.
please be as excited as me ok..

so here's what i have on from now until 12 april.

26th march fri:BAND:))
27th march,sat:steamboat outing

30th march,tues:cycling with dawn lim???
31st march,wed:secret seven at chomp chomp
2nd april,fri:BAND:)
3rd april,sat:stupid wedding dinner

i wanna go clubbing.somebody bring me please.

i miss all of the seven of us.
nice to be talking and planning.

i was thinking abt my funeral today.
abit morbid given tt im 19 this year.
i want a quiet funeral.
prolly something like in the christian setting.
but without hymns and pastor cuz it will make me ponder abt life.
who wants to ponder about life when we are dead right.
yups.
so everybody who knows me can come up and say a few words about me.

letter to you

things between us getting really stressed up again lately.
im starting to doubt if we can really get together in the future.
esp with all our differences.
you are such a religious person.
honestly,it really irks me.
i dun think i can live with someone who does everything in relation to god.
i dun like what u did last night.
why give me all tt nonsense when u wanted to go out with them in the first plc?
then u didnt even reply my sms and didnt even msg me today.
scared?i dun think so.
i dun think i will marry u.
i jz dun dare to let go.
maybe its cuz of selfish reasons,im afraid tt i cant function without u.
and tt if i see u with another girl again before i get together with someone,i will feel horrible.
i feel like doing everything to jz piss u off and get u jealous and get u to pay attention to me.
maybe tts why i h been going shopping,thinking of going clubbing.
i hate it when things feel this way

i miss sajc.
im super bored now.
i really miss all my buddies,the uniform and yes,even the studying.

oh.
did i mention tt i miss band after skipping for one week?
but i dread screwing up tmr too.
well,actually,i want to see you

im sick of life again.
tws pissed me off today.he got pissed by smth tt he usually doesnt get pissed off with.
sometimes i think tt im a super demandin person.
i can do things to people but people cant do the same back to me.
ahh,whatever.

i dunno what to do with uni application.
i refuse to talk abt it cuz i know mum will go on and on and on and it will jz piss me big time.
so even though they really need to know whts going on,i refuse to open my big mouth.
damn.
sometimes it really takes lots and lots of patience to interact with people nicely.
especially if that someone is somebody tt u look up to,love, and expect alot from.
i need to stop being bitchy.

physiotherapy,byebye.
vet,hopetosee you again.
i really admire ruimin for putting whatever she has and known for 17 years behind to go and pursue her dream.
tws thinks im chicken and i know he kinda looks down on me cuz i dun want to chase my dream.
well,sometimes,i think im chicken too.
but i cant leave my responsibilities behind just like that.
its irresponisible.

circumstances made me the person i am today.
like it or not,it has subconciously became a part of me.
as much as i dun believe in religion,i believe tt there is a god
and that he put me here for a reason.

maybe tts why mum doesnt help out.
tts why she gave birth to me first.
tts why dad always plays the role of mum.
tts why i was brought up by my grandparents.
tts why i gt a useless pig of a brother who does nothing except create messes.
i am here for a reason and i just need to follow my heart,
but sometimes,following ur heart is nt as easy as you think.
it means doing stupid things tt u will never dream of doing and that includes giving up ur dream.
well,to make myself feel better,
its nt giving up,just postponing.

i need guidance.
show me the light

i baked cookies today.
melting moments and rock buns.
the piper pissed the hell out of me and i wonder why my mum isnt one of those mums tt loves baking and being motherly.
why is it tt my dad has to sew all the funny stuff ard at home.
then i found an ans.
cuz the world is fair.
if they make my mum like to bake,we will prolly open a bakery shop.
tts nt a very gd idea isnt it??

sometimes,i wish i knew.
i want to know why we always msg each other.
i want to know why u keep asking me out.
i want to know if i mean anyth special to u or if it is just a means for me to not quit.
maybe u jz want me to feel more at home.
when i dun receive msgs frm u or when u ignore me(tt day at the coffeeshop),i feel really constricted.
i want to know if i really make u feel better when u tell me tt u r down.
i want to know if tt girl u are talkin abt is me.
i want to know why i keep stealing glances of u when im nt supposed to.
why it feels so weird when we catch each other's eye.

sometimes,i wish i knew too.
i wish i knew what was on ur mind when u did what u did.
i wish i knew why she manages to stay where she is,if what u and her did meant anything to her.
i wish i knew if she hates me as much as i do to her.
i wish i knew if we are here bcuz we really click or bcuz it has become a habit.
i wish i knew what really happened.
why u are still in bb.
i wish i knew if dad was correct.
maybe it was stupid for me to fall head in again.
i wish i knew how life without u will feel.
if it would suck like it did and slowly become bearable again.
i wish i knew if i could ever trust u ever again without her popping into my mind.
its difficult to trust u.

maybe if i knew,i would hv the courage to tell u.
maybe i would hv the courage to mix with u n ur group.
i wish i had the courage to take that step out

RT

rt is fun but tiring.
it gives me a sense of satisfaction to teach the lil' kids.
i especially love the naughty boys.haowen,kiat chia,nigel.
its an experience tt noone will understd.

no mood blog.
everything is in my head but jz cant be written.
its ok.
the important memories will be kept in me always.
memories are the foundations tt make people up:)

its not easy

why is life so difficult?
i want to tell mum n dad about us.
but jiu si kai bu liao kou.
wanted to do it today but looks like my plan's gonna be screwed up.

i dun understd why nsl and sandra are so anti band now.
it hurts u know..
tt smth tt meant so much to all of us in the past doesnt matter anymore

nv thought tt i would blog.
but im feeling quite pissed with the whole world.

is acadamics really tt impt?
18 pts ain't tt bad.
why does she hv to make it sound like its the end of the world and cry over it??
honestly,get a life.
don't it occur to u tt he might already be feeling v bad about it?

i cant stand religion.
why must ppl gt so anal over it??
honestly,it pisses me when i see ppl using religion to solve everything.
maybe u can say im jealous over their faith.
how they can trust smth even though they hvnt really seen a supreme being with their own eyes.
im sry,it just dun work with me.
it kinds of pisses me off when even ppl i dont expect to believe in a religion start quoting god.
i gt nthing against them.
they are ppl tt i love.i jz dun understd them.

maybe they dun understd me either.
maybe tts why im so attracred to both z and hy.
cuz they are uber non believers.
jz tt smttimes when u see the ppl u love so smitten by religion,it kills me.
to me,i will do all the necessary things tt my relatives want me to do,even after they die.
its more of a sense of duty rather then believing.

and i dun understd.
why do u always hv to pull me into joining bb.
im nt her.
i wont convert bcuz of u
im stronger than tt.
everytime u bring religion up,bb up.im reminded of her.
i wonder if u are comparing us.
if u hope tt she is me when u see her attending to ur boys.
even if u dun compare,i feel uneasy.
its difficult to trust u again.
everytime u go for bb stuff,i dun like it.
cuz it means u r going to be with her.
i dun want to know about the both of u.thankyouverymuch
it makes me dislike bb to such an extent.
i dun want u to join bb anymore cuz of her.
neither do i want u to quit cuz i know u wont be happy.
i dun want to join bb cuz i will start hcing the compare feeling again.
im starting to hv doubts again.
maybe an alternative route may be easier.
but i dun dare to take tt step when i rememberd how hard it was to see u ard with smone else.]
maybe im tt selfish.

i saw ur photos today.
i so want to be part of ur world.
maybe i dun know enough.

im kind of hurt tt sl dun want to go back to alumni.
how can smth tt means so much jz mean nthing over a period of 2yrs??
i cant bring tt feeling back anymore,try as i might.
oh.she's online.

no longer living in my happy little world