突然有点孤单。Surrounded by people but it still feels lonely. All the hall friends have people to go out with. He has finally asked her out, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him but things are gonna be different. The truggers have like 101 conflicts between them. I don't really feel like talking to the b girls except for meila (who is in indon). I'm not on talking terms with mum and dad, the Korea trip will be zomg torturous plus the cold weather.

I miss tee. And it's only been one week. Prawning with the guys is different from prawning with him. It's fun, and it's not the same. Makes me a bit sad

Simon's first night in Aussie. Poor guy. He sounds so home sick. Love you sweetie. Cheer up.

He is the first person who really made me understand the meaning of 心痛. Especially when he sounds so sad and I cant do much to make him feel better.

Pray sweetie. It works for you. Be strong ok. Think about how happy we will be when we see each other at the airport. Even though if it's a good nine months away. It's worth it. This is your dream, go for it.

What if I just want to spend the rest of my life following you around and making you happy? Giving you a nice warm cozy home to come back to after a tiring day of work.

I don't wanna study:( just want to be your prettygirl

Because we know it's gonna be alright.
It will be difficult but we will survive it. 9months in return for his future, our future. It will be worth it. I'll try really hard not to cry because you are doing this for us. It's gonna be hard on you but just know that I love you. Stay safe sweets.

You mean so much to me.

可能你会认为我很傻，但是看到他那么可爱地睡在我的床上使我很高心。
One day sweetie, this will be our life:)

I'm scared of losing you.

What if you come back and we realise that we don't like each other anymore? Or rather, what if you realise that you don't like me anymore? I'm just being irrational tonight.
I don't dare to tell you how much you actually mean to me beacause I'm afraid that I won't get the same love back. How dumb is that?

Sigh. I think its school that is stressing me out too.
Today's the 31st. You are gonna be gone in less than a month. Always happens huh. Time catches up with us before we know it.

9months sweets, let it be alright please.

One day, I'm gonna get married to you. I'll cook for you, wash for you, iron your clothes for you. We will wake up every morning and see each other's sleepy face. We'll have kids and a dog. And maybe a kitten. I'll bake them cookies. We'll bring them camping. You will be the fun daddy. And I will be the loving mummy.

I'll make you the happiest man on earth, just like the way you will make me the happiest woman.

Till then sweets:)

I feel queasy when I'm at the airport. Don't want to say good bye to you for 9 months. Sigh. I shall be strong and supportive

ANGST.

I am feeling angsty.
Its a sucky feeling, the heart beats fast, the brain is running ahead of the thinking and I can't sit still.

Here goes.
I lend tee the car without telling dad. Because no one would be using the car and I didn't see what could happen if he just drives to camp and drives back. But things are not always so simple ah. So anyway, he lent the car to his friends and they managed o get a ticket from crossing ERP without a card.
AND, the engine light is on.

There is a lesson learnt from this. That we shouldn't keep small things from each other. If I had told him that dad didn't know he was using the car, he wouldn't have lend it to his friend. If he had told me that he lent his friends the car, I would have said no because my dad didn't know.
Well, you get my point.

So, last night while he was sleeping, I happened to see his msg with his friends. And I found out about how they refuel the car and blah blah blah. I was quite annoyed. What happened to not keeping small things from each other? It feels like he intentionally wanted to keep the whole refueling thing from me. Plus, it wasn't Eugene who drove the car.

I know I shouldn't have looked at his msgs, but I really wanted to know what happened. And I also saw him flirting with someone. Ok, I really shouldn't have looked.
I know its normal to flirt and hell, I do it too. But seeing him flirt with that girl made me feel weird. Esp when I have had dreams about him and that girl.
Its not his fault,  I should learn to respect people's privacy.
But my sixth sense really scares me sometimes.

I don't want to stress him but I am feeling very frustrated and angsty about the car. And I think he just went out today and he didn't even tell me. I hate it when this happens. Is it very difficult to tell me that you are going out? Or to check your msgs once in a while and reply me?

Its very frustrating.

The week without dad is almost over. Well, I survived, not as difficult as I thought it would be. I have tons of work that has yet to be done. And recess week is in 1 week time. This is so scary.
But on the flip side, I'm going for recce this wednesday with Siva.

UROPS has helped me more than I know. Like how I thought about things that people didn't when we did the experiment design thingy (great, another assignment). Its cool. I am being trained to think intelligently like a scientist even without realising it.

I like how my modules are tying up nicely with each other. Even though they make me very busy. Everything is linked and it makes me happy. I really need to study to pull up my CAP. CAP CAP CAP. omg. stress.

I love school, yes, I think I really do. Esp when I am studying about things I love and when they tie up nicely together. I like to see links:)

Well, I am feeling better now.

The start of my horseshoe crab journey:)

Had my first lab meeting with siva and the rest of the honours students.

They are all very nice, was rather intimidated by them at first but then I realised that we were all kinda in the same boat. They are almost as clueless as me (I like to think) and they are really nice people:) I guess we just didn't get off a good start.

The meeting was nice, but siva side track like mad. Lol. Its infuriating sometimes but its nice to hear about his stories. I secretly kinda enjoy it, even if it means reaching home past 2330. I like the way he makes us understand the rationale behind everything that we do. Its really life skills that he is teaching. I remember how he once told me that it is very important to check primary sources, I just truely realised how important it is exactly today i,e: the NSS surveys.
Personally, I think this is what the education system here lacks. Students do things because they are afraid of being punished, not because they genuninely understand what is going on. From today, I shall take safety protocols seriously. Haha.

I did something mean, I kinda kicked out these group members who are PRCs. I feel very bad about it but I want to do well for this module and instincts tell me that these people might not co-operate.

Tee confirmed his departure date. 29 Nov. Oh wells, what can I say. Its his dream, just got to live with it. I think I have a paper on that day. Im so going to miss him. Hope he comes back soon, like very very soon.

I am tired, LFF tmr. Lab someomore.zzz

Week 3

Start of week 3.
The madness is here. Labs, tutorials, meetings.

Im thrown back onto the emotional roller coaster without bf for the week again. But it's ok, I realised today tt the coming 9mths will be hard, yet, we will be able to manage. Ultimately, I know tt there will be a day where we won't have to go through all these. And it will be worth it.

I love my family too.

Here's to week 3:)

It's the 2nd week

This few days very tiring. Emotional and everything.

It's the 2nd week of school and before I know it, recess week is gonna come around. And tee will need to go off. It's bugging me quite alot, should distract myself with other things.

Just remember how horrible it was when the both of you were not together and you'll be fine. You will never know how happy or unhappy you will be without him, just need to be brave.
Be a source of support to others to keep yourself going. Be that support he is going to need when he goes to aussie.

XD is not easy, the physics part is tough so I need to work on that. Project for 3254 needs to be done too. UROPS proposal, extra questions for 3261, readings for nat soc.

Lots to do. Honours year, here I come.

Somethings change and somethings just don't

Its been a wonderful weekend.
Caught up with all the people that means alot to me.

Dinnered with my bros, linhui and max at NUH on Wednesday. It was nice to go back to hall and take a look at what has changed and what hasn't. I cannot imagine a bunch of other girls occupying the B2 corridor. Haha, I had my fair share of fun and I hope that the freshies there will have as much fun as I did and make friends as wonderful as mine:) It was nice going out with linhui and max. I miss them, somehow, they remind me of how everything was in hall. They are the constant that I have in hall.

Spent Friday evening eating dinner at tampopo with circle formation:)
Its very funny how we check on each other to see where we are and how late we will be because we know everyone will be late. And its funny how everytime we lie about who is the latest. The guys are starting university already, so fast. Its weird too because now I am their senior. Haha. I'll take good care of them. HAHA. Dawn is flying off to Perth for 2 months for attachment. I will miss having a running partner:/

Went prawning with tee after dinner. Poor thing, he looked so tired and stressed up. He is taking this pilot thing very very seriously. I hope he knows that I will still love him as much even if he doesn't do so well for it. I don't mind getting married later (I don't even know if I wanna get married) if we can't afford to. It makes me squiggly to see him looking so tired and drained. I wonder what I can do to make him better. I think prawning helped, and the high catch rate helped even more:)

Had prawn lunch at me house and went AMK hub with tee, followed by dark knight at his house. Dark knight is like pretty awesome but tee fell asleep. He looks so sweet when he sleeps, but let's not be gross ah.

SUNDAY. TODAY.

I went back to hall in the early afternoon and had lunch with linhui. Met up with Eddie for block time after that. It never occured to me that I miss hall that much. Things seemed to have changed yet my feelings for that place remains the same. Its such a confy place where I can be myself and just do my own things without caring about what others feel about me and how they judge me. Its nice but weird being a senior and seeing your direct juniors run the show. I felt proud but at the same time, I realised that my hey-days are really over.

A king's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun.
One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king.

Plus its nice being recognized as last year's female touch rugby captain. Even though the faces in hall are different now, the warm fuzzy feeling still bubbles in me when I visit hall. I hope the freshman there make good use of their time and have the same wonderful experience that I had in hall, its really a place where I grew so much and experienced so many new things.

Went to bel's party after hall. It was weird because I will never understand why people will want to host so many different group of friends at the same time. I won't be able to do it. And bel wasn't very good at it either. Haha. But the 7 of us were there today:) Its like the first time since god knows when and it was good to be with all of them again. I revisited our blog and had a good laugh at how angsty we used to be. Its funny to re-read your old musings and thoughts on life. We/I grew so much in the past 2 years. I think these are really the friends I have that have withstood the test of time. Its the same thing though, bel seems to like her poly friends so much better. But there is still this warm fuzzy feeling I get when I hang out with them even though thigns have changed.

Well, Im a happy girl today.

I am brain drained.

Went for tr training early this morning but the captain was late, trained for barely 1 hour before we ended training. Zzz. It was abit intimidating because all the girls there were from jc touch and they are pretty good. But I decided to hang in there and continue training with them. I hope that more noob girls come in though.

I had alot of thoughts in my head but everything just seemed to have went blank.

John is being annoying about module bidding. I shall ignore him.
School is starting very soon and I have a couple of things to do before school starts.

1. Pack the table and unpack hall stuff. Like OMG, do it already please.
2. Read the article that Siva sent about safety -.-
3. Read up on HSC-HSC rescue, HSC urops
4. Be kpo
5. Pack my cupboard
6. Read up on upcoming modules

We gotta slog our guts out this sem babe.

Touch:)

After not having thrown a rugby ball for about 3 months, I am going for training tmr:))
I am abit scared actually. Haha. Scared I noob, and that the girls there are cliquish.
But I am actually pretty excited. I mega stalked the captain and she is from SAJC! But she is from EH, which makes it scary again. She is year 1 though, so it might help me feel a little better.

I am actually pretty excited. I have alot to learn and I am looking forward to go back on to the field with my boots:) And I wanna do a dive and I wanna back 5, and I wanna count touches. WOOHOO

Yay for touch rugby:)

I hope tomorrow will be a good day:)

Good night!

In a perfect world

Yes, it was a rebound relationship. Whenever I was with her, everything we did reminded me of you. It was a relief when I broke up with her. She pales so much in comparison to you. It was a mistake going out with her and I cannot imagine myself without you.

Better still, I was thinking about you all the time and waiting for the correct time to get back together with you.

Spread your wings and fly

You have grown up, its time to spread your wings.
Spread your wings and get ready to fly.
Now the question left is, fly where?

Everyone's moving on in life. Everyone that I love and care about seems to have moved on to a new phase in life. Not that its bad. But I can't help feeling lonely.
Being alone has suddenly become very scary to me.

There were several reasons why I didn't apply for SEP. I am gonna miss home. And there is tee. Who's going to help out at home when I am gone? Grandpa will feel so lonely. And there is the cash thing too. Yes, being alone here makes me feel lonely, it makes me wonder if I will ever have that expereience of living alone in a foreign country and it makes me wonder if I have lost an experience that I might never get back. Maybe I just refuse to step out of my comfort zone.

Boyfriend says that I don't chase my dreams hard enough and that I give up too easily. Let how I let the vet dream go, how I let our relationship go. That really got me thinking, I don't like being labelled as the weak-one-who-can't-take-hardships.

Do I really give up to easily? But looking back, I don't think I regret not going to do my vet studies. What would have I lost if I had went? I would have lost tee, that I am quite sure. I would have lost the opportunity to take care of grandma and to get to know my grandparents closer. Maybe it seems silly to you, maybe you think that these are excuses, but I think its enough for me.
I might regret never becoming a vet but I will never give up what I gained over these few years.

Being a vet, the dream seems so long ago. I still fantasy about how tee and I will have our own vet clinic. How we will take turn feeding and administering medication to the sick and young animals in the middle of the night. But its only just a dream now. 

Am I happy with what I am doing? Yes. I enjoy being in the mangroves as tiring as it might be. I enjoy observing the biodiversity in Singapore, I enjoy dishing out info to people and pointing things out to them.

Where am I going to go from here? I honestly have no idea. I might graduated ina year or two (no pun intended). And what's gonna happen after that? Will I be married? To who? Will I get a job here? Will I end up moving with tee? What about my family?

Its scary to be 21 and be without an aim. My only aim is to have a happy family that I can call my own. Maybe that's why I don't know what to do with the other parts of my life. Put all logic/reasoning/thinking/fears/doubts aside, I want to marry tee and have a happy family. Get a dog, do something related to animals, cook for him everyday, snuggle and cuddle in bed and live my dream happy couple life. Sounds pathethic does it? The dream of a woman in the past, no career ambition. But I think that is what I want. Of course, once you include all the logic/fears/doubts, I get really scared.
Scared that I am giving up everything for the wrong guy, scared that once this relationship falls apart, I will have nothing. Scared that I will be alone in a foreign country without anyone but him. Irrational fears? Unfounded fears? I don't know. How do you when its the correct time to get married? How do you know if its the correct guy?

21 and still in a mess.

you, yourself and your memories.

That's what life is eventually about right?
You, yourself and your memories.

People come, people go. You just need to learn how to live with it. No such things as friends forever. You should after being through so many phases of life. Just when you feel that the bond is never going to be broken, it breaks. It happens.

People change. So go ahead, take his side. Throw things and cry and let him comfort you while I sit here and wonder what just happened. So much for asking me not to go home. You know how it feels when you lose both friends at once? It sucks. Especially when everyone else is affected by it too. It's normal you say. I beg to differ. If you didn't get together with him, we would have been happily bitching about it.

It hurts when I am trying so hard to hold on to all these bonds that matter so much to me and others just cut that bond. I thought all of us were more than that. I thought that after living in the same hall and corridor for 2 years, our relationships would be different, but its not.

I'm just very tired and disappointed. I really am trying. But I can't hold out if everyone else continues breaking all the bonds that held us together.

I never felt so lonely here before. I am surrounded with people but I can't help feeling lonely.

看人家的脸色看得有点累了。
The negative energy is coming from you.
Please let everything be over soon.
Im tired of avoiding stepping on your toes.
Enough is enough. Thanks.

Its weird how things can change in the blink of an eye.

Like how being super good friends can change in just a matter of days.
And how crushes can become really really bad from just an event.
Well, it just serves to remind me that change is the only constant in life.

I recently got to know this friend of mine better, and I realized that he's a really nice person. I mean I knew that all along, but it suddenly occurred to me that everyone has a story to share. You just need to ask and be genuinely concerned about the person to find out more. I like talking to him. And it makes me a tad jealous when he talk to other people now. Haha. Life's weird eh? Its like claiming ownership of something that was never yours. Oh wells, I like hanging out with them. They are fun. I would give alot to

Midterms are over for this week. Life's gonna be a mad rush after this. Like really mad. With CAs, friends and hall events coming up, time's just gonna fly. Midterms were generally ok this time around and I hope my mugging has been effective AND that it will reflect in my results. I think I am not gonna do honours anymore, but its this pride thing which has been bugging me. I want to take a honours degree to show people that I can do it.

OMG, IM GONNA PLAY THE PIANO. BYE

one head, 3 big ones

I was joking. Why you so angst? Its not my fault that you didn't study much for this paper. Plus its only 10%. Why so serious? I thought we knew each other better than that. Sometimes, I think the people that I am close too are just too weird. I will probably never understand them and live in fear for the rest of my life. It sucks.

Why do I feel so affected and cringy and weird when I found out that he might have a crush? Its none of my business as to who he has a crush on right? I just want him as a brother the way I wanted bear to be a brother. Keep it that way please.

I am not sure about my feelings to you. Settle for second best? I doubt so. The so many years of relationship that we have should be worth more than that ok. Ya, ok. Please please get me out of this situation. Shall go with you on saturday. Spend more time together.

BEHAVE YOURSELF. I'M WATCHING.
CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS, NO MORE WANDERING THOUGHTS.

Busy bee

Hall life as always, has been exciting.
With the conclusion of pres Tan''s speed dating, one hundred and one things totally surfaced.

Like how many girls in hall are actually interested in him and are actually willing to show da love. LOL
Brave people we have around here. But I guess that's what we call fighting for what you want. Not that I would in this case. Then again, how often have I fought for the things that I want?

V-day was boring. For me at least. Spent it mugging for Microbio test. Of course there were shows to watch. Haha. With such hapz friends, I couldn't expect more eh:)
There was coffee girl, starbucks dates, interesting smses, paper markets, HTHT with my touch girls.
Where else but hall can you find so many things happening at the same time. Ok, I take back what I said, it wasn't boring. I kinda enjoyed it.

Not forgetting the twins booking out for the first time:) So sweet of Tim to call me to talk. Didn't expect that but oh well. I'm glad he did. And I'm glad I showed them the awesomeness of KE 7.

So here's the cruz of the whole post.
We had a drinking session. Yup, drink. Germs and drink don't come together in a sentence unless the word never is present. Anyway, it happened. On the pretext of pres Tan's birthday.
I must admit, I really suck. And Vicks is not bad.

So I kinda fell asleep on the couch. I swear I wasn't drunk. Just sleepy. When I was awake, I heard and understood more than anyone in the room did that day. And I have to admit, some topics were erm, interesting.

Jo and our good friend V got pretty drunk. And Jo was left on the couch with me. Alone. In the lounge. How's that huh? What happened was weird and I kinda wonder what I was thinking that night. But it felt..strangely nice. Maybe because I miss having contact. And the little bit of conversations that we had was pretty funny too. Anyway, I was afraid that things would be awkward but he seems to either forgotten or he is acting that it didn't happen too. Well, that way's fine with me. Rather friends than nothing. He can be kinda cute actually. Weird things keep playing in my head. The conversations keep replaying in my head every night too.I wonder if there is something wrong with my morales. Oh well. I hope all of us will still keep in contact after leaving hall.

Boyfriend's back tmr:)
I miss him. Even though I don't know what's up in the future for us, its good to have him back.
He will be able to take my mind of funny thoughts. No more being deprived of hugs and pats.
Pretty excited about it. But I still gotta study ok. See this? STUDY.

And I miss Linhui too. Its weird not having him in the lounge. Its weird with Max and ZY whsipering behind me.

Right now, I just need to retreat into my little fantasy bubble and crash

I MISS YOU. So much.

Miss ur warm body, miss talking to you, miss you asking me to study.

Need u back b4 I go cuckoo.

So much things happening in hall recently. Too much for me to catch up on. Honestly, it makes me doubt myself. Do I do things correctly? Am I gossiping too much? Should somethings be shared? Feels weird to feel so unsure. 

Come back soon sweetie. I need to talk to you. Need you to reassure me.

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Sometimes I really wished that I loved someone else.
I don't like what you are doing but I love you for who you are.
How many more times must this happen now that you are where you want to be?
Nobody likes disappointment.
I wish you were a different person but the person I love is you.
Its not your fault. If its anybody's fault, its probably mine.

40% CA. I need to focus. Concentrate germs.

She is living her dream. Doing everything that I always wanted but never had the courage to pursue.

But I'm needed for other things here. I can't just give these things up.

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I can't think, I can't function. Why must you MF me.

It sucks that I can't be honest with you anymore. I can't be me, can't be myself.

I need to censor what I say, I need to be around people all the time

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Touch rug is over.
No tries scored, no matches won.
Depressing? Kind of.
But I still stand by what I say, there are somethings that can never been taken away from us no matter what happens. And the journey with the girls was a wonderful one. We grew together as a team, learn together, made mistakes together, laughed together. The memories that I have will always be etched in my head.

How we played our first friendly against EH and how I cramped up.
The shit that we stir, the tough times in camp, the honesty between us all.
I don't easily feel comfortable with people but this is one of the groups that I really enjoy.
I am very grateful for the team. Not many teams will listen to such an inexperienced captain and learn together with me. We have come a long way and I am really proud of each and everyone of you:)

Training with Raihan has also taught me alot. How I feel about Raihan cannot be put into words. Its this immense sense of gratitude and appreciation that I really want to show/tell him but it just can't come out. The only reason why I felt horrible after Shears was because I felt that I let Raihan down. Ok, I was disappointed with myself too. Because of him, touch has become an even more important part in my life. It is him who made me see how intelligent the whole game can be and make me love the sport even more. I hope he felt my sincerity the way I felt his. And I hope he enjoyed coaching us as much as I did enjoy coaching by him.

1 more week to CNY.
Tee is still in Australia. I'm not sure what I want in life anymore. Talking to Linhui helped but I still feel lost. What if me and him can never reach a compromise? I don't think its fair that I should have to leave everything that I have behind just so he can go pursue his dream. Neither do I feel that he should let go of his so that I can have what I want. It scares me that what we want is so different. Its just weird. I don't want him to fail anymore because I finally understand how much this means to him. q0 years is way too long. Sometimes I wish that I am still single, that I fell for someone whose ideas are more in line with me.
I hope he comes back soon, at least I hope the remaining 4 weeks pass quickly. Maybe seeing him will make me feel better.

Sometimes I can't help but wish that I sincerely believe that god has everything nicely planned out for me.
Nothing much I can do right now. I miss touch, I miss the girls. Time to study before I lag behind again.

The world is kinda depressing huh.

And I am tired of hearing about touch.

I am desperately holding on to alot of things in my life. And these things are not things that I should be holding on to.

I suddenly feel very alone even though I am surrounded by people.

I shouldn't be feeling lonely because cassie and jiehong are going out.
Shouldn't be feeling alone that Max and zhiyi are so close.

Shouldn't be feeling lonely because linhui has his eye set on a girl, shouldn't be feeling lost because he will be leaving soon, shouldn't be missing him already, shouldn't be spending every single minute I can with him while he is still around.

Shouldn't be feeling lost that a girl likes Johan.
Shouldn't be feeling so broken when I saw how the guys train and got punished.
Shouldn't be wanting to win touch rug so badly to the extent that I broke down. 

I don't miss you as much as I thought I would. I can't decide if its good or bad. I miss not being able to smell you and to be able to hold you whenever I want to. Miss not being able to lie on your shoulder. Miss not being able to contact you as and when I want to. Miss being silent on the phone with you. Maybe I miss you more than I think I do. I really want you to be here to pat my head now and tell me that it will be ok. Really want to be right beside you now.

Ok, I change my mind, I miss you. Miss you more than you and I know.
I just don't really want to miss you and let you know how much I miss you.
What if I need to spend the rest of my life like that? What if your life feels complete without me? That's how I feel now. I don't want you to fail. You sound so happy there. But I don't see how my life fits into yours.  

That's enough for tonight. Hormonal imbalance is screwing me up. Just want your warm body by my side tonight and forever.

My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you’re relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it was not hurting you doesn’t mean you did not notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore, move on and let go.